The Salem Witch Trials

Salem Witch Trials

A complex trial involving many witnesses, many accusers, many defendants, and invisible magical evidence tests the corporeal powers of Judge Judy (parody). This parody of a courtroom sends up the travesty of justice that shook the early American colonies with reports of scandal, devil worship, and rampant evil.
Original Air Date: May 3, 2002
YouTube Transcript
Welcome to History Bites I’m Rick Green.  When you were a kid did you ever tell people you saw something that wasn’t really there? Like a ghost or an imaginary friend and to your disappointment no one believed you but maybe your little brother.
well back in 1692 in a suburb of the
town of Salem Massachusetts a few young
girls saw some things that the adults
didn’t see and the grown-ups said oh
really oh my god finally someone is able
to see and identify the devilish causes
of all of our worldly problems of course
for some people it wasn’t such great
news because when these teenage girls
called you a witch they weren’t dissing
you they were dooming you so let’s go
back to the Salem witch trials where the
accusations are flying faster than a
coven of witches and there’s a
mysterious all-knowing all-seeing evil
presence in the courtroom television
real sinners real Satan real puritanical
punishment junk duty the Puritan
plaintiffs and Putnam and Abigail
Williams are accusing Sara good of Salem
Village of witchcraft they say they are
bewitched bothered and bewildered and
not in a good way the defendant Sarah
Goode is denying the charges claiming
she has never practiced witchcraft or
even attended the cosmos cotillion okay
are you – girls say you were bewitched
by the defendant yes your honor
and it’s by that witch over there hold
what exactly did she do to you she made
a pact with the devil to torment us by
giving us fits of agony and like crazy
talk that is so not true I’ve never even
met Satan she’s even on a first-name
these girls are part of a conspiracy
against Milan I have been framed by a
bunch of battling teenage girls somebody
tell you to speak no but you have a
gavel in your hand
Oh ma’am you call me your honor no your
honor I’m that’s enough when I say you
can speak you can speak then you can
present your lies until then I know
you’re finished you’re finished now as
for you girls I don’t know what you’ve
heard about in other witch trials but
you can’t just go making wild
accusations and someone you don’t like
is a witch in this courtroom we make
decisions based on a little something
called evidence wanna stab yes yes yes
your honor
yes your honor in a case involving
supernatural powers we rely on something
called spectral evidence which is
defined as evidence indicating invisible
specters have launched satanic attacks
on the victims now good wife good would
you like to present your evidence your
spectral evidence that you are not a
witch I got papers good wife good we
need hard evidence here now do you have
any spectral evidence
I’ll take that as a no okay how about
you two
yes we do your honor you went good
chance okay with white good if you’re
gonna make a mockery of this courtroom
bike by using your magic on these girls
I’m gonna end this right here
fight for the plaintiff defendant will
be hang and now a few minutes with Andy
Rudy I know everyone’s I’ll cut up in
these Salem witch trials but I can’t
quite get into it it’s not the trials by
light trials is someone’s accused of
adultery I’ll bring the needle the
thread in the red letter a no it’s not
the trial it’s the witchcraft they
always accuse people were witches of
kissing the devil’s bum and consorting
in the altogether with goat men but I
don’t know why anyone would do that
doesn’t make sense what’s the fun in
bussing Beelzebub’s but you’d want to
pucker up for the devil’s derriere what
would it benefit anyone to canoodle
methis tov Alize buns you know what
Robert I don’t get it what’s with these
chicks and Beelzebub ah well Howard the
thing is the devil seduces these women
and turns them into witches and then
these witches oh this is what they say
anyway they wander around at night with
uncontrollable urges for men women what
women are you kidding me so when I
finally get to see my favorite fantasy
it’s gonna be because of the devil yeah
the Puritans are saying it’s demonic
demonic shamanic that’s a dream come
come on what time do they come by you
know yeah I’m leaving my window open hey
any you witches listen out there I’m
open 24/7 possessed me baby
down boy so anyway these witches will
force themselves on men and force
themselves on men okay okay now that
doesn’t sound right I don’t believe that
since when in history as any woman ever
had to force a man okay this is demonic
the Salem witch trials weren’t so much
the product of frightened superstitious
people more like bitter self-serving
ones one of the best or worst examples
may be the Reverend Samuel Parris he was
about to be terminated as minister of
Salem Village when the girl started
crying which suddenly he saw an
opportunity to hold on to his job by
uniting the townspeople against the
common enemy Satan let me start with you
Reverend Parris you’re the local pastor
here in Salem is that correct
yes your honor and you say your slave is
a witch yes she has used witchcraft on
these two girls and Putnam and my niece
Abigail Williams hold on I do the same
two girls from the first trial yes your
honor I understand there was some
spectral evidence as well can we see it
oh no it’s invisible now
that certainly sounds like the real
thing and we have witnesses everyone who
was at Anne’s house saw the specters
a whole family aspect of the tectus you
want to tell me what the specter looked
well your honor although no one actually
could see the specter they could hear
and screaming in the middle of the night
no it’s only natural to assume that what
she was screaming at was a specter in
the shape of Tituba the slave trying to
cut her head off and later touch up it
did confess to witchcraft who confessed
to this man
yes Jana D so you actually admit your
witch well my master he beat me and told
me I was a witch so I guess he right and
you’re not denying these charges I don’t
need no more be out of which find for
the plaintiff defendant will be hanged
how are you serving the forces of evil
by planting a wet one on Lucifer’s
bottom who were your hurting other than
yourself when you pucker up for the ass
of a smo dias
tonight angling coverage of the
witchcraft trial the century
today more revelations accusations and
sensations of extending our coverage to
discuss every moment a slight tension
about who’s owned by the parish family
has allocated to the witching crime
she’s been accused of he’s also agreed
to testify the good wife’s good and
unborn were the witches who ordered the
attempted hit in return for a testimony
shall become part of the state’s witness
relocation program and be relocated into
jail not by the tons of gun power the
turks stored in the ancient temple and
finally a correction to our story on the
special witch court is salem last night
we reported that if a woman who
confessed to witchcraft contradicted
herself she would be set free in actual
FOH contradicts or corrects herself
during her confession guilt is certain
NBC apologizes for the correction no not
the correction NBC apologizes for the
mistake and offers this contradicts what
in hell would be the reason for
frenching mullux but why smack Satan’s
seat why put your cakehole near The
Devil’s why was this fine he couldn’t
even smell the hair burning here in our
audience tonight all the way from Salem
Massachusetts several members of the
witches relocation program where are you
there you are when we return Judge Judy
puts a man between a rock and a hard
back in 1692 during the infamous witch
trials the puritanical town of Salem was
gripped by hysteria panic confusion
Reverend Parris had capitalized on the
fear and loathing as a way to keep his
job but for other people it became their
job they were called witch hunters and
nobody knew more than they did about the
complex rules for identifying witches
mostly because they made up the rules in
the first place I’ve been through these
pussies a thousand times how could
something like that happen to me I’ll
live my life honestly
I got a church every week and when
something unexplainable like that
or I’m a rich now all I have to do to my
misfortune is find the Sorcerer’s
blighter come on
the first thing to look for when hunting
or wheat cheese who do you know that’s
better off than you I but doesn’t really
deserve it
he tells entire genius to figure out
they probably got the good fortune
through a deal with the table now all I
have to do is prove it all like to start
by asking the neighbors for any examples
of mischief following anger that is to
say anger following misty in any case
all I have to do is prove it and it’s a
great way to get the noose swinging case
number 666 your honor defendants are
accused of witchcraft okay let’s start
with the plaintiffs hey aren’t you the
same two chuckleheads from the first two
cases yes your honor and your that slave
woman I thought I sentence you to be
I turned calling this evidence Jana yeah
a lot of other witches in this town and
I want to help root them out very well
so you see any of those witches in this
mrs. Kouri seems you and your husband
are accused of witchcraft and there
seems to be a lot of evidence against
you don’t be a big baby you wanna be
burned as a witch for your information
these are the colonies we don’t burn
anyone that’s just those European
barbarians here we hang them okay I’ve
heard enough from your wife okay mr.
Corey how do you plead are you refusing
to stand trial you think this is some
kind of a witch huh maybe well mr. Corey
you can choose not to stand trial if you
want but we have the right to put some
pressure on you with these bailiff take
mr. Corey outside and pile rocks on til
him until he changes his mind
coming up today on Oprah we’ll talk to
girls who claim their mothers are
witches we’ll talk about demons Satan
evil and healing okay my bailiff tells
me that mr. Cory has been crushed to
death by all those rock like I say he
always crack in the end Wow looks like
he wasn’t so innocent after all did
satan fill your ears with potatoes just
the way we’re hearing the woods behind
the witch’s house this is her chair tree
it seems quiet but I’m sensing a lot of
powerful evil so I’m going to look for
some evidence of a sorceress crap
Oh crikey who do this this looks like
the burnt reminds of a toad who had just
eaten stolen consecrated life is it all
be the devil’s mango
if these fine prices are white stuff on
the ground or the powder distilled from
the bounds of hanged men put these
together with the blood of a newborn
infant and you’ve got yourself a riches
sob the potion the rich uses to
instantly transport herself to the
richest nocturnal gathering the Sabbat
they can also use it to jump the line at
the my curry you see in 1692 thanks to
problems back in England the town of
Salem had lost its charter no charter
meant no legal courts which meant no
trials could be held
of course these legal niceties didn’t
stop Satan and his minions witches were
multiplying like rabbits so by the time
the administrative problems had been
sorted out the court faced a huge number
of cases the whole system was backlogged
and things had to be kinda rushed fast
justice like fast living isn’t all that
good for you
oh I’m sorry girls but I’m going to need
a lot more evidence than that you can
pick the man to death okay I’m sold
hang which Mary Parker and Margaret
Scott that makes 17 and a 17 people of
fleeted innocent being sent to the
gallows where were these accused not
simply pleading guilty to their crimes
and receiving a liar sentence of not
death well that’s what I wondered but
it’s likely related to their Puritan
upbringing you see as Puritans they
believe that if they admit even falsely
to consorting with the devil they’re
gonna be spending a lot more time with
them in the afterlife
but if they maintained their innocence
and hang because of it well that’s gonna
be worth some huge martyr points with
st. Peter up at the gates of heaven
everybody here knows me to be a good
husband and a good Christian nobody has
ever seen me do anything remotely
connected to witchcraft or devil worship
why because I never have your honor
I really don’t even know what a witch
does now it is the entire record of my
life to be thrown away because of those
of the wild visions of to eleven year
old girls hey mr. Jacobs I’ve heard your
side of the story
now I believe the defendants which is
the same group of young girls has some
evidence to present let’s hear it
like you’re given the evil eye on sir
mr. Jacobs that time that’s not fair
it’s a trick of the devil okay okay okay
I’m gonna Hampshire law a proper way to
settle this is with a touch test mr.
Jacobs extend your hand and we’ll see if
your witch’s venomous sucked back from
these girls into your camp
if the venom is sucked back Judy will
know mr. Jacobs is in league with Satan
no no no there’s no venom find for the
plaintiff and it will be nice stay tuned
for more witching and bitching when we
if you were accused of witchcraft in
1692 age was no defense
there was no young offenders act for
Satanism darkus good was only four years
old when she was sentenced to prison for
practicing witchcraft
she served eight months and never fully
recovered Rebecca nurse was a saintly
seventy year old when she was accused
apparently witchcraft was a profession
you could enter whether you were old or
young even if he had no training no
wonder so many people were witches you
have some examples of this wood woman
behavior yes your honor
um first of all mrs. nur screamed a
neighbor of mine for letting his hogs
run through her flax garden and only a
few weeks later he was dead but he never
used to be just in the last like ten
years since she moved in and and that’s
not the only example of mischief
following anger at a pie baking contest
two years ago I told her her pie taste
is like rabbit dog do you know what it
tastes like that out of you you’ll get
your chance to confess in a minute you
see Your Honor she got very angry just
like that and the very next year my wig
maker who I’ve been going to for years
developed a weird rash and move to
Virginia now look at me
after questioning the neighbors of a
suspected reach we’ll start looking for
her familias these are personal demons
usually in animal form who serve the
witch are you now or have you ever been
associated with the devil and or black
magic yes you all I’m talking to you Sal
what’s the weather like these days Gina
hell ah so you want to play that whitey
sometimes these hell spawns need a
little convincing I mean I keep my
distance from this satanic swamp thing
one little flip of that blsr bobbing
tongue of these you know I could be
sucked down into the underworld like
that so feel like talking yet feisty
yeah all right how you folks are in from
Andover yep yep let’s write Your Honor
we were having a witch problem of our
own and we heard about these visionary
girls here in Salem Village and we
thought you know great we’ll borrow one
of these girls to see if she can help
root out our witches we knew we didn’t
have a lot of time with her so we
arranged for a touch test for the people
we suspected were witches so we lined
the suspected which is alongside some of
our most upstanding citizens to make the
test fair then we had an item do her
thing she took care of you oh she took
care of us all right she said that we
were the witches we were in of as decoys
this what happened hey I call them as i
SPECT release Ilana okay the new two
witches have a choice now you couldn’t
plead guilty and admit your crimes or
you complete innocent and be hanged
Oh Your Honor I don’t think I get it we
were only in the test
what’s your plea let’s go look the thing
is no listen to me
I want a plea from you guilty or hang me
what’s it gonna be Oh
guilty guilty right takes a big which to
admit you were wrong you folks have just
saved yourself a trip to the gallows
sorry mr Forbes
Wow in the end 21 people were hanged as
a result of the Salem witch trials add
to that said total Giles Corey who was
pressed to death and a lot of others
were imprisoned for years as a result of
these verdicts but what gets me is that
most of the ones who were hanged didn’t
die for worshipping Satan they died
because they were devoted Christians you
see the prosecutors told them they could
either admit to witchcraft and live or
deny the charges and be hanged
but the Puritans beliefs told them that
if they lied and said they had
worshipped Satan when they knew they
hadn’t that would be a one-way ticket to
damned if you do and doomed if you don’t
it’s appalling but it’s part of history
and part of why history bites law a
little child
he’s beaten my nose and right now that
Bielsa bobbing tongue that I was talking
about earlier he’s going right up there
he probably thinks he’s getting some
lunch but I don’t want to be the one to
be free I’m feeling a little woozy as
he’s flashing that poisonous tongue
around in my blind where’s Terry when
you need