The Osborgias

Ozzy Osbourne Parody

The shocking story of the dysfunctional family who bullied their way into the Papacy and almost destroyed the Catholic church with their scandalous vices. In a deadly parody of The Osbournes, we follow Pope Alexander as he battles with his favourite mistress and most important bastard children.

As well there’s parodies of Regis and Kelly discussing the popularity of the Borgia’s TV show, Martha Stewart’s tips on poisoning powerful rivals, and a Sailor Moon spoof about a notorious orgy staged by the Borgias.

Imagine if reality TV was popular in Renaissance Italy. It’s the “Osborgias,” the story of the infamous Pope Alexander VI (aka Rodrigo Borgia) and his dysfunctional, corrupt, scheming family. Done as a parody of ‘The Osbournes.’ (Apologies to Ozzy and Sharon) Bonus: We also go channel surfing up and down the dial to see what else is hot in 1500 AD.

Welcome to History Bites I’m Rick Green. People love scandals in high places
because celebrity gossip makes us feel
better about our own lives
thus the popularity of celebrity gossip
shows but there were scandals long
before hardcopy for example in
Renaissance Europe the Pope was the
ultimate power and the ultimate
celebrity the papacy was a shining
beacon of progress enlightenment and
civilization when it wasn’t mired in
scandals that would make Bill Clinton
choke on his cigar perhaps the worst of
the so-called bad Pope’s was Rodrigo
Borgia or Pope Alexander what
Michelangelo was to art the Borgia
family were to corruption and debauchery
Pope Alexander had scandals from his
candles to his sandals this
dysfunctional family dragged the
reputation of the church down to the
if only television had been there to
cover it they could have put the ratings
ridges and hoes
when you’re cold Alex anything goes
ladies it’s not too late to come to his
orgy and participate and participate
Cesare why is this time for church mom
dad I’m 18 I want to do my own thing all
right I don’t want to go to jail isn’t
money won’t you have to go to church you
know why because you’re in car no man
dad this is so unfair
I’ve scheduled like two dates and the
hunting party
he wants to marry me oh yeah
anyway since Rodrigo Borgia bribed his
way into the papacy he has really
changed the Vatican oh yeah big changes
creating lots of new positions jobs
I meant jobs for God’s sake ok so now
here from our home office in Sardinia
here are the top 10 new jobs created by
Pope Alexander the top 10 new jobs
created by Pope Alexander here we go and
Everett an indulgence sales associate
number 9
mistress Wrangler number 8 food taster
to make sure there’s no poison in Pope’s
dinner number 7
food taster to make sure there is poison
in guest dinner
number 6 Lucretia’s husband note that
this is a temp job no kidding I think
that that’d be a day job a papal
double-income a bastard
there’s kyoka k yoga make achoo give you
what is it
there’s trouble in Rome k oka it’s the
Pope by dis family again the Pope wanted
to celebrate his to believe with a
public performance by 50 couples that’s
he and Cesare Lucretia were going to
judge this dance contest he said the men
would be palace servants but the women
had to be harlots and I’m confused as
harlots are not the best dancers well I
hate to say it but it’s no dance contest
and it’s let me know they’re at the post
and Oh couple number 17 score good
points for style and technical merit oh
I must put a stop to this yes eventually
yes eventually and the number one new
job greeted by Pope Alexander wedding
no no divorce lawyer
in medieval times some popes were
married but by the time Alexander bought
the papacy that sort of thing just
wasn’t done so he had to content himself
with mistresses and his number-one gal
was vanozza the katana being the Pope he
married vanozza twice to two other men
but that didn’t stop vanozza from
burying alexander two of his most famous
bastards Cesare and Lucretia Borgia the
kids gave Pope Alexander two ways to
deal with rival clans the boy could
battle him or the girl could marry him
we met at one of his orgies years ago
and really hit it off six times in two
Alexander isn’t allowed to marry so I
guess you could say I’m his first lady
well a hundred first lady actually but
his most important kids are mine look
you just can’t party all the time babe I
mean you know do you want to end up like
me I mean our poison people I’ve drunk
too much
I slept with loads of women I mean just
look at me that you’re the Pope the most
powerful guy in the world oh oh yes true
all right all right example but I’m not
just talking about the orgies I mean
sure we squabble from time
cesare year enforcer in both senses of
the word I am NOT a bastard
I got a papal dispensation Oh da you’ve
been crazy Cesare possessed by demons at
least I’m not a woman oh yeah at least I
don’t carry the tempting seed of evil in
me yeah squabbling is what families do
gold and luxuries but this isn’t a papal
palace is a people palace bye you know
people squabble they go behind the
scenes at the Vatican and show you Pope
Alexander’s family
it’s wild wild its wild all right talk
about sinking to a new low don’t like
reality television do you reality
television I’m fine with it’s Oh pal
exam de I don’t like it don’t like we’ll
reach this show is like so huge a total
hit you get to see the papacy of Pope
Alexander okay let me just make a little
prediction right here on the air all
I say it won’t last
in fact I predict that will get
cancelled by 1503
I’m gonna cancel their talk show show
nothing I’m talking about his papacy his
kid Cesare I mean he’s got that hungry
look and he’s got a big sword too you
Wow Pope Calixtus well well I always
used to squabble yeah well that didn’t
stop him from making me a cardinal it’s
like a family business man open you just
can’t go on like this choice right I
mean you know hunting animals is one
thing but you know killing people’s
another you just can’t shoot people in
the middle of st. Peter’s Square
hey Dad they were just prisoners they
were condemned to death anyway oh all
right you know it’s not as a womanizing
– all right you know like if you sleep
with their daughters and their wives the
nobles are gonna come and they’re gonna
kill ya man I know what I’m doing I’m
not an idiot oh you want to end up like
your brother I is that what you asked
chesare had an older brother Giovanni
and he was the prince of the family
oh no it’s like we never stopped hearing
about it well one night he just didn’t
come home he had been stabbed all over
and we had to drag his body out of the
river tiber
mom you know what the kids at school are
saying they’re like check it out check
out the Pope now he’s really a Fisher of
Lucrezia that isn’t bad Jason look I
just don’t want to lose another son all
right so you know the rules about women
yeah yeah I know dad sighs sex
that’s right sleep with prostitutes for
sex – I put them there for it isn’t it
dad yeah
coming up Lucretia is in the family way
and that gets in the way of the family
and participate and Renaissance Italy
was a complex network of city-states run
by rival families relations between
these powerful clans were cemented
through weddings each arranged marriage
was like a business merger and family
ties could make or break you for a
crooked Borgia Pope family ties were
meant to be broken
Lucretia is a woman hi lacy well Meghan
getting married for political alliances
understand the ways of the world babe I
mean you know it’s not about love is it
no no it’s about firming up our
collections with the Milanese that’s
right besides you’re only 13 you’ve got
your whole life to find something to
love about this fellow yeah you know
people don’t live forever these days you
know if you catch my drift
are you in trouble with the church are
you about to undergo trial by fire water
or worse boiling water we understand the
system we know how justice works is
former friars we know that a small
amount of gold placed in the right hands
could tip the scales of justice in your
favor the difference between your guilt
or innocence may be just a few degrees
and by making a donation on your behalf
we’ll make sure that everything’s cool I
was forced to put my hand in boiling
water for three days later the priest
said he didn’t see any telltale blisters
thanks Keo man Roland
only Lucretia agreed to the wedding she
was actually a really good sport about
it dad I forgive you
oh yeah boy Giovanni I can get used to
his bald spot and his lazy eye oh I was
meaning to tell you about him I’m
getting your divorce what I just think
we can do better that’s all
we would your phone is worthless to us
now I don’t need him all you have to do
is touch the part about that he’s
impotent and all in all the whole thing
oh yeah you’ll have to go for a
virginity test the virginity test isn’t
that bad dear I passed several just just
pretend it’s one of your dad’s parties I
know I know you’re wondering why didn’t
anyone step in and get rid of this
corrupt family well first the Borgias
weren’t much more corrupt than the other
powerful families who ran Italy second
the Borgias were more powerful and
well-armed than the other families still
there were many devout Christians in the
Vatican who were appalled and Pope
Alexander had people to deal with any
objections they included in his army his
bodyguards his spies and his poison
tasters do you have sex I do drink and
if you’re going to kill someone for
God’s sake Cesare use poison
nowadays with so many family rivalries
and nobles squabbling for power it’s
wise to remember that good things take
that’s why I prefer to use slow-acting
poison poisons that we can debilitate
and eventually kill my victims over
months even years slow poisons take
longer and cost a little more but
they’re much less suspicious and as my
Sicilian friends say revenge is a dish
best served cold and garnished with I’ve
been wearing these rubies to ward off
disease but I’m still sick and stop
wearing gems and start eating them don’t
believe the old wives tales wearing gems
is not a cure doctors and apothecaries
agree that gemstones can only cure you
if you eat them that’s why we put only
the finest crushed gems into sandy gem
brown sapphires red rubies green
emeralds and new blue diamonds
sandy gem it really works but maybe I
should talk to an apothecary about this
you just did it’s quite opposite you
know you’ve been a huge help marrying
all these blokes you know now it’s some
other noble families you know the meta
cheese the Orsini’s the della Rovere
they’re the ones in this family’s way
Giovanni sports off no it was Pedro the
messenger boy Oh Pedro oh oh thank god
as long as it’s not that sports are
following and I don’t want really
legitimate air is coming from that
little thank you very much but you still
have to go for that virginity test I’m
Alexander the six the Pope of darkness
all right I’m the little who brought law
go to the room I’ve got money I’ve got
armies I’m the messenger of god babe all
right so if I say you’re a virgin you’ll
be a virgin stay tuned for more
hilarious hijinks as the Borgias prove
absolute power corrupts absolutely
crazy for riches at home so how did
someone as corrupt as Rodrigo Borgia
become Pope
well like his uncle who had seized papal
power by bribery and brute force Rodrigo
was ambitious scheming and didn’t mind
greasing the wheels with bribes he
bought the papal election and then made
sure that his kids were given prime
positions in the church now the creature
I don’t want you to worry about the
paternity of this little bundle of joy
because I’ve probably declared that he
is the son of Cesare and some unknown
woman what no Lucretia don’t get all
wobbly I mean I don’t get off you’re
gonna stop worry about what other people
say I mean yo just look what they say
about me all right they bribed my way in
a little papacy and I’m a sex maniac and
I’ve got a house full of mistresses and
a bastard children that’s why I ignore
hey I want to drive it baby we could
just uh no the baby no baby Alex you are
now a marriage Oh actually I couldn’t
all a baby here it is sign and witness I
declare that this child is a child of
myself and an unknown woman that always
stop the gossip
yeah but if my dad’s the father and now
I’m the mother then that means my dad
and me Oh Cesare
where’s my my
okay my dad is like forgiven for the
whole baby thing because he actually
found me a husband again and this one’s
actually kind of nice his name is
Alfonso he’s the son of the King of
Naples and he’s rich you know so are you
trying to understand you know he’s a
Borgia he’ll be just like any other
member of the family you’ll lock my
words I love you I love you too
Alexander eventually found a third hubby
for Lucretia
but the blasphemous Borgias behavior
couldn’t continue forever after 11 years
as Pope Alexander died in what some
suggest was a botched attempt to poison
a rival always write your name on your
cup at a party the family’s power
quickly died with him but the damage was
done when an outraged cleric named
Martin Luther nailed up his 95 theses
condemning papal corruption many
Catholics said yeah it was the birth of
Protestantism the Pope’s who followed
had to work hard to reform the church so
history wouldn’t repeat itself because
history bites so I got the job and I’m
I get to work in the Vatican kitchen and
I get to taste all the Pope’s food it’s
time for a job like this
so anyway I’m tasting food all day and
the chef brings fire like a peasant for
me to taste Oh
take the food give it to the Pope we’re
supposed to be tasting for poison I
could have died Jerry died
vodka an ice-cold popsicle