The Olympics

Olympic History

A look at the original Olympic Games reveals that even in Plato’s time athletes took money to compete, won prizes and accolades for their victories, and were surrounded by controversy.

Original Air Date: May 6, 2002

Transcript by YouTube

Welcome to History Bites I’m Rick Green.

every four years the Olympics unite the

world through sport as far as televised

competition goes nothing can compete

with the Olympics except the World Cup

and the Super Bowl and WrestleMania

but the Olympics have something extra

that other sporting events don’t

controversy scandals corruption drugs

and that’s just the competition between

the host cities 2,500 years ago there

was no need for Olympic bidding they

were always held in Olympia back then

athletes didn’t pray to God for

endorsements or wear Nike they prayed to

the God Nike and wore nothing

so let’s channel surf back to 350 BC

because when you want to watch perfectly

sculpted athletes compete for the glory

of the gods you got to grab a ton of

junk food flop on the couch and turn on

the TV

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a bitch mom Olympic pancreas the

straddles

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Kings are the poet

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and now the Lambuth with the slick

injuries Hey

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[Applause]

hey hey hey it’s been four years huh

yeah thank you time to sit through than

the mean games the Pythian games and the

Isthmian games and finally finally it’s

time for the Olympic Games great my

favorite games the Olympics and you know

everyone asks why do we always hold the

Olympics in Olympia because it’s not

like it’s in the best location you know

have the games in a new city state every

year with local themes to like you know

your your Spartans could hold the war

games the lesbians could hold the Gay

Games and the accretions why they could

hold the dumb games if it’s a foot race

hook homie run further than the foot

with all the interesting a rivalry and

scandals we can’t forget what the

Olympics are really all about and that’s

religion

I mean Zeus created us the least we can

do is celebrate in maybe four years am i

right

Zeus deserves every single one of those

hundred Bulls they sacrifice to him

don’t you think that’s a lot of bull

Dave sure it’s a lot of bull it’s more

Bowl than you see in the city state

assembly but here’s the good news kids

the bull meat doesn’t go to waste no no

all the Olympic fans get a chunk well

except the pythagorean’s because they’re

vegetarians they they sacrifice a

hippopotamus

and left on a rock in the mountains to

die tetanus which God rules over the

Seas Cousteau Poseidon Theresa what is

the name of the dog who guard the gates

of the underworld

Kuja Cerebus fellow who was credited

with creating Athens powerful Navy but

was ostracized for his efforts them is

taco ease and it’s duck leaves a few

minutes with Andy Rooney I was down at

the amphitheater this week watching a

few tragedies – nice break from my home

life in between these tragedies they

have satyr plays have you seen those men

prance around the stage wearing giant

oversized leather phalluses after about

three of these satyr plays all I could

think is why are we bothering with these

tragedies I learned more about life

watching two guys playing dueling goat

gods with their giant from the Home

Office and Max Lowe’s the top ten

rejected Olympic events the top ten

rejected Olympic events here we go

number 10 the javelin catch weight

gaining brink tease the Spartan

4:7 the hundred-yard olive oil slide

number six one man trireme racing number

five musical chariots number four

synchronized sculpting number three

dodge discus number two

equestrian clean-and-jerk and the number

one rejected Olympic event

Bobby forego unconscious that’s another

thing how come when it’s a half-man

half-goat it’s always the top half of

the man in the bottom half of the goat

what do the gods do what the other

halves is there someplace we don’t know

about maybe over the mountains where

there’s nothing but goats with people

legs

sounds like a reunion on my wife’s side

of the family and it’s incredible to see

what he’s done with fabric there are big

squares of wool or linen held on with

brooches and belts are there but this

year it’s color we’re used to fabricate

such neutral tones yellow ochre

goldenrod gold honey butter

saffron straw and lemon but now he’s

added red it’s really shaking up the

whole fashion industry what’s next

orange married women weren’t allowed to

watch the Olympic Games the Greeks

thought that seeing those naked male

athletes could cause women to leave

their husbands behind for a behind that

was tighter and firmer in fact the only

women who were allowed in the Olympic

audience were virgins it was a chance

for them to see the cream of the crop of

Greek men in all their naked glory kind

of the ancient equivalent of Backstreet

Boy concerts we sent our very own Late

Show correspondent to cover the games my

mom

[Applause]

okay so so let’s talk to my mom let’s

get her on the egg one thing day we

would be centered yeah what what is it

Paul I guess you haven’t heard but women

aren’t allowed at the Olympics if if

married women show up they thrown off a

cliff that doesn’t sound the Olympic

spirit does it Paul I I don’t know

that’s what that’s what I heard

I thought everyone I thought everyone

knew that it’s common knowledge view mom

mom are you there

I’m having a very nice time David hey

how about the shorts on those athletes

hi mom they don’t have shorts David so

they must have long

yeah well if you must know yes

so mama where’s all the fans I I thought

the place was packed oh well I’m on the

cliff David brought me here hello Dave

I’m Kepha loss I handle security here at

the games in Olympia listen of thanks

for sending your mom we don’t see a lot

of women here at the games mainly

because they are banned but this year we

can finally host the women’s event the

high dive hi Dave I’m not familiar with

that event well basically the women have

to dive off of this cliff into that pool

of rocks ouch now the high dive is

really a demonstration sport to

demonstrate to other women what will

happen if they try to sneak into the

Olympics hey remember mom arch your back

I think so

oh and mama make sure to let him hold

your mic those things are pretty

expensive very costly to replace okay

[Applause]

oh good David I think he landed on his

feet

no wait no sirs kidneys coming up a nude

Greek Olympian pulls a groin and it’s

not his

around 350 BC the ancient Olympics were

in full swing and so were the punches

one of the most popular events of the

games was the pankration a brutal

one-two combination of boxing and

wrestling there were rules – rules no

biting and no gouging

but for pancreas rules like bones were

made to be broken

our first guest just returned from his

third that’s his third Olympic win for

the pankration event he’s a god at least

I worship with his won the column mr.

fingertips but his friends call him the

finger ER great pleasure to have him on

the show please welcome

Strato subsea on

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[Music]

nice to meet you it’s good to be here

yeah yeah

you look good Thanks shows hey hey

what’s that you got rubbed on you there

well yeah it’s olive oil yeah it’s so

not bad extra virgin certainly more

information that I need to know man I

tell you sitting next to you I I feel

kind of underdressed that’s a that’s a

nice metal you got there

hey look he’s wearing a Trojan good

evening I’m Greta sister Nia ran the

marathon was an impressive non-stop run

poorly pronounced non-stop Ronin centage

is used by me on this show I founded Lee

speaking Annunciation to which compare

favorably to the run to marathon by a

runner who style was by any standards

if incomprehensible then with that this

time which we’ll be looking at later in

the show tonight this evening

I tell you Robin a word gorgeous dancing

right in front of me and like I could

see under their tunics and it’s so hot

out they start taking off their tunics

right and I’m like hey hey hey then

they’re leather thongs and I’m like you

know each other up their butts are so

tight you could bounce a drachma ah what

I love to mud wrestle one of those go

come on what about perks there’s gotta

be perks to be in a winner you know

other than being worshipped like a god

well I’ll never have to worry about

going hungry I get free meals from the

state famine what famine yeah and of

course there’s the cash bonuses the

houses the slaves and the women or men

but for me the best part is being

immortalized in stone Oh actually

they’re uh they’re erecting a statue of

me in my hometown of sick Ian so if

anyone out there thanks guys there must

be big fans here look there they’re

doing the wave and sound proud let me

get this right you say they’re erecting

a statue of you yeah yeah it’s it’s

going up this weekend and you know

everybody’s welcome to come down too

sick he in and then check it out this

weekend and check out his erection

[Music]

tetanus who is the Greek god of sleep

nyquil hypnose bandulus traditional

entertainment at a symposium or dinner

includes dancing slave girls and a

singer who accompanies himself while

what staring at the slave girls laying a

liar Teresa who are the traditional

enemies of the Greek city-states of

Athens Sparta Marathon creaked Rhodes

Attica and Thrace each other the

Persians but I’ll accept that

see now what monster grows two more

heads every time you try and cut one off

the civil service the Hydra tetanus what

do all the Greek city-states have in

common

hating each other language dress trade

and religion Theresa what separates a

trireme warship from a Byram warship

water an extra row of owls it’s ironic

the Olympic Games celebrated military

skills boxing javelin throwing a foot

race in full armor but the games also

brought peace to the Greek States every

Olympiad or for years a temporary truce

was declared so athletes and fans could

safely reach Olympia they needed rules

like that because the travel was

expensive and the roadkill was human as

the Greek Empire expanded this truce was

extended from one month to three to

allow time for travel from the boonies

Greeks were probably grateful for the

Olympic time out from war and what

better way to celebrate peace than by

watching two guys beat each other

senseless

so you’ve really made a name for

yourself castrato so I mean three

Olympic wins twelve wins than the mean

game food at the 15 games visit guy try

and in this sport this anchor at Ian’s

and anything goes am i right is it’s

like street fighting like correct me if

I’m wrong in the course of a day you

probably get punched kicked thrall

smacked squeezed headlock cold cocked

cold that must lead to shrinkage

string jabbed head buddy

woo head but it doesn’t doesn’t that

hurt fully if it’s done right now

personally I don’t like the rough stuff

I’d like to keep money fight short sweet

I get in there as fast as I can as soon

as I see an opening I go force uh-huh

hand and I break all his fingers right

right hence the nickname the finger ER

Paul over there was hoping I meant

something else give us a day in the life

of us so straddles if I’ve got a match

coming up I got a priest to sacrifice a

chicken

then he’ll examine the entrails and tell

me if I’m gonna win or not if all goes

well by the end of the match you’ll be

examining your opponent’s entrails

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you see these doctors they’re foreigners

quacks you can’t take them seriously

now these doctors say you broke your leg

because you fell off your horse this

chariot cut me off

Oh fill back up more alert okay first of

all your horse didn’t break your leg God

did yeah you see when good righteous

people get crushed by horses they get up

walk it off they’re fine but a sinner

well they get what

now sometimes god works in mysterious

ways but you know he’s always fair you

break a commandment he breaks late Wow

there you go

you ask for forgiveness and if God’s in

a good mood you should heal in two three

weeks oh you see God knows all even

bloods coming speaking of which our next

caller okay now tonight tonight right

here at our stage we’ll be unveiling for

the first time anywhere the nude statues

of the Greek gods by proxy to you lady

we fill it in from the waist up penile

what large wide open city space is

frequented by merchants buskers and

pickpockets the Agora correct Teresa if

you’re a Greek who’s irrationally

frightened of something you have what

goosebumps a phobia or fear fennel if

you have a phobia of wide open spaces

like the Agora you probably have what a

good reason because the Agora is a

creepy place isn’t it

I mean you know it’s full of people who

want to talk to you and rob you and you

got all those jugglers and the clowns oh

god those possible eyes ooze the clouds

keep the clown’s away from me mami mami

was agoraphobia Lucy you won your

pancreatic matching and now what do you

get for that I got the traditional prize

Dave and Oliver Ethan wouldn’t you

prefer a tunic with your name on it

can you explain the nudity for our male

viewers well here’s the story 300 years

ago the games were just getting started

and this Runner sip roast was running a

race there’s a loincloth fellow and well

nobody can remember if he tripped on it

and lost or ran naked one and really

like like who cares because the point is

all Olympians have been naked ever since

and and and and that’s the important

thing right

right but in the ratty and we do it so

the other guy doesn’t have anything to

hold on to oh now I’m no paint gratia

strolling around naked on the ground I

could probably find a thing or two to

hold on to

whether they compete in ancient or

modern Olympics successful athletes are

always treated like gods ancient Greek

losers might have been ashamed to go out

in public but for the winners privileges

included free meals for life and large

cash rewards unlike modern Olympians

Greeks competed first and foremost for

Zeus then themselves there were no

national teams and no national anthems

instead the Greeks wrote songs to honor

their winners so let’s all rise for the

singing of the pancreas anthem lyrics of

the Hellenistic world and also a huge

sports fan here to perform his ode to

saw Stratos here is Pindar the poet so

Stratasys mighty he punched a guy broke

his face and three brought her Achilles

as a pushover compared to so Stratos

even Zeus himself wouldn’t fight this

dude cuz he be TKO’d all of the gods

they turn into li o BR

so Stratos don’t hurt me Oh

Olympia so Stratos taught

[Applause]

so Stratos fights dirty but we don’t

mind that’s what we like to see if he

ever fought with Achilles he would

dislocate his heel yes leprosy

yeah he’s headed on his face since he

turned 13 and a couple on his back too

well that makes sense because he’s going

through puberty which means he’s

becoming lost oh my god yes I’m afraid

it’ll continue until he gets his

wickedness under control okay next

caller Philip this green stuff growing

on our minutes Oh green stuff yeah yes

so there’s leprosy pink radians gotten

very popular these days everybody loves

it and it’s got all the crazy moves the

drama but one thing I always wonder is

come on are you guys just making it

pardon are you are you faking it I mean

is it staged at all you could ask Milo

the guy I beat at the last Olympics but

he’s dead so I think it it is it’s real

oh it’s real would you uh would you like

me to show you some mousse so I could

show you but I ended up knocking you out

knock me out you did that when you came

on the show wearing your lucky charm

[Applause]

the ancient Olympic Games survived for

over a thousand years through both the

Greek and Roman empires but after they

were moved to Rome they became more of

an entertainment spectacle more guts

less glory the old gods deserted the

games to be replaced by new gods and

eventually just God you see as

Christianity gained popularity the games

were seen as an undesirable pagan

festival Christians didn’t approve of

violence or naked men

so in 393 ad the Olympics were banned

and a series of earthquakes floods and

fires finished off Olympia itself

ancient history may have given us the

impetus for our modern Olympics but for

those who have idealistic notions about

the ancient Olympic spirit well they may

find that history like a cheating

pancreas bites now we have a special

treat for you one of my top theatrical

companies in the Greek world the Cretan

player presenting a scene from their

current production of eatables Rex this

who has learned from the powerful but

someday his son will kill him

takes the infant child about cetera

where he drives a spike to the baby’s

feet and Lee’s in the Dodge Intrepid

scene let’s walk

[Applause]

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Post date March 29, 2020