The Boston Tea Party – Laugh In Parody

The Boston Tea Party

“Live from beautiful downtown Boston…” America’s political and social upheaval is presented in a parody of the hottest show from a later upheaval, with the American Revolution on ‘Laugh In’. Guest political figures such as Ben Franklin yuck it up with regulars Dick and Dan, giggling Goldie Hawn, Artie Johnson, and Lily Tomlin.

Original Air Date: June 19, 2004

YouTube Transcript

Welcome to History Bites I’m Rick Green.

Laugh In parody

in the 60s there was a musical
revolution an America rocked to the
British Invasion in the 1780s there was
a revolution and America was rocked by a
different British Invasion it was the
American War of Independence like
Vietnam in the 60s this was a war no one
wanted but unlike Vietnam Americans
started out divided and ended up united
literally American colonists didn’t like
British rule they didn’t want to serve
in British armies or pay British taxes
and they wanted to keep the freedoms
they had so let’s go back to 1780 where
the counterculture is shaking up the
establishment and the best place to see
where American culture was born is where
most of it has died on television and
now from beautiful downtown Boston and
it’s tea scented Harbor NBC is depressed
to present glowin and Martin’s laugh-in
starring Dan blowin and Dick Martin
special guest star Benjamin Franklin and
RV Middleton Patrick Henry bolte
Ethan Allen plus America’s most violent
peacenik Joanne’s war life and Lily
tomahawk and me ain’t George the third
oh I’m sorry
let you beat Garfield Owens the first I
know have you read this new Declaration
of Independence it’s really quite Stern
stirring is it well let me just see oh
yes yes yes life liberty in the pursuit
of hope
we’re super happy obviously you never
met hope I guess not people bring you
back I’m surprised you didn’t I’m
ashamed of you I don’t know you
well this hope girl’s quite a quite a
girl issue oh you bet your sweet bippy
she’s yes have you ever heard of a hope
chest oh yes indeed she’s the one who
made it famous is that right I’m King
George by Georgian I’ll run the colonies
are you in favor of helping the rebels I
gave a few of those my new man who lives
here to the studio not my new man
they’re madmen they can be ready at a
minutes notice oh really
13 colonies a poem by Patrick Henry
Maryland Virginia and Rhode Island of
course Delaware Carolina South and North
Massachusetts and Connecticut
Pennsylvania and Georgia but there’s
Jersey York and Hampshire too and each
of them starts with a new starting sock
it to me sock it to me sock it to its
government for the people of the people
by my people
to ringy-dingy hello is it the party to
whom I’m speaking yeah I wish to take to
mr. king first named George George
George call back later when you’re done
I’m calling to inform you that you
cannot tell us what to do here in
America no you are over there and we are
over here so if you trying to tax us
that’s one long distance charge we will
not accept that kind of expression no
taxation without representation with the
term representation well mr. King sir I
think yep then you take your stamp tax
and you reverse the charges if you know
what I mean and I think while the
British and Americans were 3,000 miles
apart on a number of issues the states
were hardly United Americans were as
divided over independence as they were
later over Vietnam

All In The Family Parody of The Boston Tea Party

so you could have
heard mr. Jefferson’s speech
he’s a great man he’s he’s making a new
country hey I mean we already got a new
country there it’s called New York
we’ve got plenty of new countries but
new joys New Hampshire how much knew
what you wanted to be new New York
trying to improve the colony is all make
some changes
that’s why Michaels joined the Sons of
Liberty you join one quick those ain’t
no sons our Liberty them Sons of Liberty
they go around stirring up trouble here
oh yeah they beat people up smashed
private property air only the property
of people who oppose freedom oh yeah
well I Got News for you me then all you
happen to like the country just the way
it is meathead part of the good old sea
of a British Empire red white blue the
onion Jack we could be in the new
country with colonies like Virginia and
Carolinas geez wonder why got in common
with a bunch of plantation owned in
tobacco smoke : hot air being part of
the British Empire you seen up there you
got your nice English laws English
freedoms English good old British troops
to weigh the best in the world
protect us from the French and the
Indians from the Vedas from Canada there
what’s North Carolina got to talk that
lots of things such as well rice and
indigo hey you hear that eat breakfast
is now dark blue right are you facing
tough economic decisions has the global
economy left you behind
well now you can get in on the wealth of
nations I’m Adam Smith
and I believe getting rich is more than
your right it’s your duty with my well
phonation system I’ll show you why greed
is good not just for you but for
everyone and I like my brother so so I
don’t understand why he’s been shooting
at me now John I’m gonna introduce a
psychological term here called
allegiance what side are you on in the
war well I I want America to be
you’re a rib I don’t know if I’d call
myself a rebel let’s have the emotional
intelligence to accept these terms okay
I’m I’m a rebel but your brother Wally
is a loyalist or royal is the same thing
when he’s shooting at you to him he’s
shootin at an American rebel because
although you are family you have a
different allegiance now I think you can
understand that can you yeah I guess
they can and and I’m guessing you also
take a few potshots right back at him to
him all right job yeah I do but but he
deserves it baby but first I want you to
know you’re not alone now I want you to
meet a woman who has tarred and
feathered her daughter ordered them a
complete money making guide and learn
how financial freedom leads to personal
freedom on human liberty what simple
system will give you the know-how and
the desire to get rich I want 60 Minute
Men or one sixty Minute Man
can she say that on television if I ever
write a constitution they should check
that out oh god this married Paul Bunyan
she’d be Pope a bunion who writes this
stuff don’t look at me these jokes are a
declaration of incompetence you know I
cannot believe that you are supporting
the revolution of the colonies against
mothering well I demand my rights well
you already have rights that freedom of
speech absolutely you can debate and
fight for me almost no taxes land theirs
for the taking
no Sheriff no no our colonial churches
don’t take tithes there’s no cap on
wages and unlike in Europe and no guilds
or unions to prevent you from pursuing
the career of your choice
rope is no president no military
services volunteer there’s no real class
system like pretty good life is very
good life is all right so what is it
that you Minutemen want we one minute
maids a squeeze
in the 1700s the British Army had bought
an expensive war to kick the French or
to Canada
the British felt that Americans had
benefited from this victory and they
should be prepared to bear some of the
costs this led to various new taxes like
the stamp tax and the tax on tea which
in turn led to the revolution so in a
way Canada led to America us of a a
party what party the Boston Tea Party
well drink to that
mr. Franklin the British call you an
American printer who indulges in
womanizing gluttony and every form of
Vice aren’t you offended I sure am I
gave up being a printer years ago
way I see it America should get Canada
after all we paid for it
what did you British troops think of our
sharpshooters in the Continental I have
to admit it some of my men were so
scared they mesh their pain that would
make them an in Continental
should women be given the right golde if
you come back to my place I’ll give you
the right to bear anything you like
speaking of charges when are you gonna
pay this stamp tax come on just give me
the money and I’ll give you the stamp oh
paid I mailed you a check I didn’t get
it that’s probably because I didn’t have
a stamp
that very moment as the Liberty Bell
struck one hi sports fans Big Al here
well this week sports fans in Delaware
all excited about bear baiting and so
was I until I find its bearers in
grizzly anyway I’ve gone fishing and
I’ve tried worm baiting and frog baiting
but friends if your bear baiting you
must be gonna catch one mighty big fish
look out all you whales and I don’t mean
Betsy Rock
it’s all right here in a wealth of
nations and I’ll also send you my theory
of Moral Sentiments absolutely free
because by making me rich you also be
open yourself
I’m societies or Hall I’ll pick Thomas
Jefferson to block okay oh pretty good I
yeah I’ve just finished the Virginia
statute on religious liberty and oh yeah
the Declaration of Independence yeah
thank you
oh and I’ve just become the father to a
new son by my slave Sally that’s great
good luck with the writing on freedom in
a little slave child now here’s the
question seven years back in 1773 a
group of American protesters dressed up
as Mohawk Indians and dumped tea into
the Boston Harbor what were they
protesting against the mistreatment of
Indians they wanted the vote for women
I’m gonna say they were protesting to
get rid of the monarchy I’m going to
well you’re right to disagree the
correct answer is they were protesting
against the tax on tea and the East
India Company huh cool
you look look it’s the friends call me
now you seen you can appreciate you just
say well what the roads and you know
that there’s an there’s a Shahs in the
Kings in the king and they get big guy
the crown British come in and play darts
right now to interfere and they change
they change the rules so naturally
people get you know upset do they feel
you know colonist Tibet and then be
Maryland and Delta in the South Carolina
and disease resent you know there’s a
teen and whether it gets because you got
them from and practically all than ever
you know nothing personal against the
games people buddy knows they from
England but they can only and it
stretched and then they just have to
take a stand because you’re there
defending you know the freedom to see
this is just methodologist it’s about
freedom of speech I’m here to collect
the stamp tax Stan tax it’s a tax to pay
for the Kings troops to be here in
America the Kings troops here and I’m
good cuz you won’t want the Stamp Act
you come on the bridge the 20,000
American farmers who became militiamen
in the Continental Army were paid almost
nothing meanwhile the British rolling in
dough could afford to send 40,000 fully
trained and equipped professionals and
King George had enough cash left over to
hire 30,000 German mercenaries Achtung
Baby you know at this very minute there
are over 30,000 German mercenaries
fighting in this country no but if you
hum a few bars my point is yes need to
get some musket practice oh that be good
but I can’t be there no I have a date
with Sheila you know now a dick I’m I’m
sure she’s a wonderful girl but I don’t
think that Sheila’s wonderful any match
for 30,000 German soldiers oh well you
don’t know this girl oh yeah oh no I
tell you Jesus she some she is something
she’s gonna react when she sees men
falling in the field fine usually she’s
right underneath them you explained to
me about this Minuteman signal well sure
if the British are coming it’s won by
land and two if by sea
okay see that’s not so bad sending one
or two troops no no Dave no
no no we’re talking about candle candles
candles in the battle oh the cowards I
will all back their wicks place what
I’ll be doing you look for me my face
with the candles yes the signal in the
window sure really yes
one candle if by land two candles if I
see Dan I hate to be the one to break
this to you but England’s way over there
they have to come by Caesar really
interesting but the German Hessian
mercenaries who may take orders from the
English why can’t they speak the king’s
chairman i understand you only fire your
musket after you had a bottle of
muscatel that’s why I call the grapeshot
very interesting
general Putnam said don’t fire till you
see the whites of their eyes
they’ve been drinking muscatel all night
the term manifest destiny refers to the
idea that God wants Americans to rule
all of North America
in fact the promise of limitless land
therefore the taking first drew
colonists to the new world but by the
American Revolution the westward
expansion was encountering legal limits
you see the British wanted to make sure
the American colonies could be properly
defended which would be impossible if
the colonists were too thinly spread so
the British passed laws prohibiting the
colonies from expanding beyond certain
boundaries and for the first time
Americans were feeling boxed in this for
real no wonder you Yanks are revolting
well once again folks it’s time for that
moment when we find out who gets the
fickle finger of fate award and who’s
getting the finger this weekend well
this week award goes to the British
government Oh them again huh that’s
right and this time let me guess their
intolerance of the various religions
here in the colonies no no no no my
fickle friend no actually the British
have been more tolerant of different
religions than almost anyone I didn’t
know that yes in fact they came over
here to make peace when the Puritans
went after the Anglicans and the Quakers
well and the Anglicans were quaking I
can tell you that so I guess the Britons
are getting it for playing the big
colonies up against the small ones was
my Rhode Island red to red Rhode Island
away because actually the British
protected the small colonies from the
larger well what the heck did they do
Britain this is for informing your loyal
subject here in America that we’re
forbidden from settling the lands to the
west and them telling us we’re
responsible for patrolling the huge
undefended border so King George and
British imperialists everywhere the
fingers come flying at you it’s been
George the third and his wife Queen
George the third had an heir he’d be her
first third to reduce afford
oh I would kill for a queen right now or
at least a good yank what is the
standard medical treatment for a hernia
well I ask to me actually doctors say
we’re very loose Pat’s I’ll disagree
good for you yet no the treatment for a
hernia is castration that’s right cut
off the problem Apple roof the brains
like that I don’t understand how we’re
winning this one
I heard that in France they’re planning
on splitting airs with a guillotine well
let’s just hope it doesn’t come to that
here absolutely I don’t want to learn
how could you learn French with your
head cut off well I would send my head
to school and the headmaster would put
it at the head of the class you wait
till you hear my body’s gonna be doing
the American Revolution produced
democracy freedom a groundbreaking
constitution and the beautiful
Declaration of Independence but it’s
worth remembering that it started out as
a tax protest few of the protesters
imagine they were embarking on a path
that would lead to war with Mother
Britain let alone produce the home of
the brave and the land of the free well
not totally free but darn cheap because
even today Americans pay far less tax
than citizens of any other industrial
nation of course when you remember these
citizens soldiers who died to create
that new nation you realize that freedom
costs and for the British who lost their
American colonies and eventually their
entire empire history bites say good
do you realize one of the main reasons
everyone hates those British is cuz King
George will let us appoint our own
judges I mean this whole country was
started because we weren’t allowed to
say the judge if everyone is so keen on
independence how come it took seven
months to convince everyone to sign the
Declaration of Independence is that long
to learn to write or give me