Ludwig Van Beethoven

Harpsichord Wizard

In a spoof of every damn award show going, all of the hottest music stars gather to honour the recently deceased Ludwig Van Beethoven. The cream of the Romantic Era present awards, perform their symphonies, and gab with Joan Rivers on the red carpet outside the theatre. In a parody of the Elton John/Eminem duet, the anti-Semitic maestro Richard Wagner sings with converted Jewish composer Felix Mendelssohn.

YouTube Transcript

Welcome to History Bites I’m Rick Green.  These days it seems like every celebrity
is suffering for their work whether it’s
drugs divorce sex scandals or anorexia
people want artists to suffer preferably
in public now this is not a new thing it
was just as bad in the early 1800s back
then writers painters and musicians seem
to be tripping over each other to be
troubled tortured and turbulent everyone
was wearing their art on their sleeve in
1839 composer Franz Liszt and some
creative cohorts decided to honor a
pioneer of this Romantic movement mr.
moody himself Ludwig von Beethoven
imagined turned on tuned in passionate
artists celebrating their neuroses and
giving each other awards and you’ve got
the best seat in the house in front of
your television I’m here at the hottest
award show of the Romantic era the rage
of the Romantic era the series I’m just
dying to get the lowdown on who is with
whom who’s wearing whom and with what
illness I’m here with 16 brightest /
devo say George Sand George who are you
wearing tonight
oh no this is Fred Chopin
I’m not wearing him I’m carrying nice to
see the right is supporting the
musicians tonight am i right you say I
have tuberculosis but I feel fine live
from the Vienna Opera House in beautiful
downtown Vienna it’s the 1839 annual
Western European Terry Awards with your
host Franz Lidz
and the Vienna Chamber ensemble special
musical guests Paganini Clara Schumann
Felix Mendelssohn Hector Berlioz Brendan
Chopin Richard Wagner Jenny Lind and
Giuseppe Verdi and on Weber and writers
honor a Balzac and Elizabeth married
with a special painting performance by
eugène delacroix and now your host the
list to top everybody’s list
it’s just just allow me to compose
myself compose myself don’t make me beg
here people ladies and gentlemen welcome
welcome ladies and gentleman of course
to the ladies and gentlemen’s clothing
look at george sander looking around for
the old woman in drag no ladies know
what we were gathered here this evening
to celebrate and fun over artistic
genius and what better place than the
city that has showcased so many
wonderful stars and not to mention the
schnitzel ah schnitzel this evening
we’ve gathered an unprecedented number
of composers virtuosos and opera stars
together for a breathtaking spectacle of
light sound and emotional upheaval life
does not get better than this firstly
fellows you’re gonna go home and commit
suicide at the end of the evening so
let’s get on with the performance that’s
leading our first musical performance
ladies get your smelling salts out say a
Hail Mary for the violinist violinist
put your hands together for Nicki bag I
mr. progeny is playing a tribute to
Ludwig von Beethoven to play the weakest
philosopher called living ye which
philosopher whose dictum was the
greatest good for the greatest number
recently had his mummified remains
installed at University College in
London I don’t know I blame God and the
powers Denton
Margaret Fuller who developed the cult
of transcendentalism Ralph Waldo Emerson
don’t you have any questions about women
and correct
søren kierkegaard who wrote women are
not meant to undergo hard labor but who
also seriously injured an old lady by
knocking her down a flight of stairs oh
that would be German philosopher Arthur
Schopenhauer correct authorship and ha
what is the name of the English
invention that is attached to letters as
proof of payment proof there is no
absolute proof of anything the stamp or
penny black
the Academy of painted pictures musical
arts and sciences is made up of members
of the various European Kingdom
patrons of the arts and musical
cognizant centi winners of the Western
European annual tier awards are decided
upon by a of your peer voting process
the results of which are reliably
tabulated by Price bodenhouse boards are
presented for outstanding individual or
collective achievement of the year and
up to 200 categories from late opera to
bronze castings of military heroes in
earlier times artists had just been
hired guns who were told what to do by
the church or wealthy patrons yeah give
me a Virgin Mary and a couple of Saints
and make sure it matches the curtains
creativity for cash commissions but by
1839 things had changed for artists
writers and composers Beethoven made a
decent living off his music sales and
nobody called his tune but him why don’t
they let chamber music out of the
chamber very very but right now we’re
gonna change the tonality of the evening
we’re going to remember a colleague who
can’t be with us tonight a man who
influenced all of us with his turbulent
symphonies his passionate concertos his
musical jokes as pedantic contends as I
speak of course of the maestro the man
that called run lvb the deaf Ludwig the
king of Sturm and Drang Ludwig
I remember one time I asked behold why
he never got married and he looked at me
and he said but because of course at
that time he was deaf then he took this
huge book and threw that me and said go
get some more spread so Ludwig van
Beethoven was born into a musical family
also his father never had his son’s
Talent he was able to instill in him the
great truths about individual rights and
freedoms when Ludwig was small his
father encouraged him to practice
constantly even through the wee hours of
the morning is the repetition of themes
and endings that I love you know
Beethoven’s like this tenacious
Wolverine won’t let go on these little
musical ideas keep coming back again
like he just couldn’t get him out of his
head you know it’s Baba who hasn’t
copied those endings you know
huh oh that last one was my idea
all right he was the same at parties
though you know just when your party was
leaving you know BAM tell the story
about his intestinal distress and I mean
this is around the time he stopped
changing his clothes those over he was a
really hard time to get close to but
Talia great endings great endings
yeah have you tried opium yes I got
laudanum it just makes me drowsy and
nauseous then I can’t get anything done
and I just feel worse this is a common
problem yes
laudanum contains opium but I suggest
you try pure opium Gretta because a lot
of them is just a tincture it’s full of
alcohol it’s no wonder you you can’t
stay awake it’s it’s the drug of choice
for the kind of emotional pain you have
that well it strikes when you least
expect it in fact I feel if you suffer
from any type of stress or melancholy
write a poem paint a landscape then talk
to your doctor about opiate it’s the
Chinese government announced that has
managed to seize and destroy 20000
chests of pure opium the huge haul of
opium belonged to British traders who
said the Chinese government had no right
to interfere with a legitimate business
she’s great because someone told me it
would cause vomiting and excessive
sweating and psychosis or addiction even
death yes well opium isn’t for everyone
coke Devine Yi who is it about Christian
writes about sympathy and ethics and yet
says his fiancee was far less important
but his work and women are a joke søren
kierkegaard all right Margaret who said
the universe is blind irrational and
Kierkegaard’s fiance authorship on ha
Sauron who publishes his philosophical
tracks under pseudonyms Alan Smithee you
Beethoven just stormed out and the
leaves is node and it says there are
thousands of princes and there will be
thousands more but it’s only one
Beethoven ones that my friend that is an
and the winner of the bait hoping
Lifetime Achievement Award goes to
Ludwig von Beethoven accepting the lid
would be is Hector B mr. Bailey Oates
well I know that if what we were here
he’d want me to take himself and I’m
sure whatever award or monument you give
him he felt that uh he deserved it okay
anyway I just like to say that the guy
knew how to do when ending ahead
they told when we’re here in IET doc say
and things sprayed endings it’s all in
the ending go went ahead and come out a
clean around 1839 artists everywhere
we’re being shaken up by the Romantic
movement the term Romantic didn’t mean
art for lovers
it meant art that expressed emotions we
have enough paintings to illustrate the
stories of the Bible for all the
peasants who can’t read let’s look
inward celebrate the self feelings
nothing more than feelings the romantic
said forget restraint logic and formal
manners let’s be spontaneous intuitive
natural and some of them went as far as
obnoxious unreasonable and thoroughly
offensive i tota melissa has caught up
with Mendelssohn talk to him honey talk
can she talk she’s he’s a nice Jewish
boy talk to him about something
of course the hottest story at the T
Ruiz tonight is the performance by felix
mendelssohn bartholdy and controversial
composer Richard Wagner worried about
people downloading music from his new
Telegraph system tapster okay ladies and
gentleman speaking of controversy here
are two musicians from the opposite end
of the German musical spectrum please
give it up for Felix Mendelssohn and
Richard vive
I got out of bed at all the morning suit
clouds up my window and I can’t see the
hole and even if I could it it’d all be
great but back Ross up on the wall it
reminds me that the Jews are you are a
Jew I know your people are perverted
you’re ok could you convert it I hope
you ain’t reverted if so I’m
disconcerted remember I’m due panic
harmonic I’m quite refining your music
sounds demonic not supersonic like
shubin’s leader I’m a firm believer that
German should be
leave Nicole and I’m wondering why I
took this job at all
racist bitch like you driving up the
wall and even if your light weight light
motifs we’re all good
I’m not liking all your fighting crap
the 1839 annual Westerner of the
interior words are brought to you by big
arrow type turning your colorful world
around if the official bill between
Victoria and by the United Kingdom we’re
not just an island anymore even with all
the romantic new ideas sweeping through
the art world some things remain the
same women in the 1800s still had a
tough time cracking the old boys artist
club some roped feminist essays against
some just used male pen names and a few
dressed up like members and walked right
in he is a composer a brilliant pianist
and a very good friend of mine she is a
writer a cross dresser and more
importantly really goodness at together
they make a fine couple and very
entertaining dinner guests please
welcome Frederic Chopin and George for
the artist whether in spoken word or
music performance bridges the gap
between inspiration and understanding
gentle craftsman exposed themselves
daily to criticism and ridicule for
their art for myself I find solace
behind men’s clothing Fred how does
performance anxiety affect you
we’re here I’m here to present the award
for the most sensitive performance in
piano concerto or piano solo and the
nominees are misogynist Friedrich Hawk
Brenner male chauvinist john field
sexist pig Ferdinand Miller and the
gorgeous brilliant talented female clara
schumann and the winner is Clara
Arthur Schopenhauer who believes in
finding truth by denial of the will
through chastity and poverty any
right-thinking person you hope Devine ye
which woman writer dresses as a man
Margaret Fuller George Sand Margaret
Fuller caught Devine ye is known for
what a fan mouth a stoic despair frame
by sparse classicism Arthur can you name
the philosopher who said actions possess
moral worth only when we do our duty for
its own sake I can’t yes I for Immanuel
well philosophers out of the possible
ten thousand marks you have banked a
story 350 whose corset is missing a few
eyelets whose epistemology is based on
an erroneous distinction between faith
and reason I share this with you thank
you to my father who gave me piano
lessons when I was five I know you’re
looking down at me right now and exactly
sitting up in the chandelier right now
thanks papa thanks for believing in me
to all the great composers who gave us
such wonderful piano works there’s so
many Bach Mozart more big beautiful
moments when history bites returns
by 1839 Western music had evolved
because of new philosophies new
political ideas and especially new
technology advances in the instruments
affected the type of music being made
for example because the piano now had a
greater range of volume composers could
really express a greater range of
emotion as well by following the
groundbreaking example of Beethoven
composers found they could achieve
financial independence they didn’t have
to answer to sponsors or patrons
financial independence and technological
breakthroughs added up to creative
freedom was another ceremony last
evening to honor scientific and
technological achievement in music here
are some of the highlights for single
frame casting of Steel to structure
strong enough to produce a piano instead
of a smaller harpsichord Alphaeus
Babcock for best tape checked action for
the upright piano Robert Warner for
inventing the double action hammer
Sebastian Earl hard and in the wind
section for standard tone hole placement
this is the second time you voted for
Hegel what well and because you can’t
have that kind of construct when
existence is incomplete and constantly
developing and because his systemization
of the whole of existence isn’t all that
logical because he’s been dead for nine
years and no longer exists okay yes that
too what Devine ye you voted for shippin
ha yes may I ask you why he didn’t
answer the last few questions and his
pessimism is really bringing me down 3
we have a treat we have the beautiful
and might I venture to add the
voluptuous hurt you also jenny lind
in the first opera Giuseppe Verdi
introduces us to Alberto set in the 1228
the title character returns home from
exile and finds that his daughter
Lea Nora has been seduced by Ricardo and
the dishonored please welcome the most
amazing and the coolest guy I’ve ever
conducting the totally brilliant
nominated area Oberto giuseppe verdi
nobody votes me off twice an shopping ha
you were actually the strongest player
in that round does it bother you that
the weakest player has voted you off a
despite I achieve purity through
yes but it’s votes the count and with
two votes Schopenhauer you are the
weakest link
okay this is it the big moment I’m so
the nominees for most depressing and
disturbing artistic work are honoré de
Balzac for his story collection the
human comedy part one believe me there
are a lot less funny than they sound
eugene Delacroix’s disturbing painting
about a woman who was having her throat
cut by a bad man the death of
samuel taylor coleridge for his long and
depressing poem Rime of the Ancient
and Victor Hugo for Les Miserables and
the winner is
could use some opium about now I knew it
Victor Hugo for Franz Liszt’s great
piano tour was a big success he raised
enough money to fund a huge statue for
unfortunately artists couldn’t bask in
those bad times and depressing emotions
eventually there was a backlash and
Victorian morale stepped in to toe the
line sex drugs and booze went
underground again
and artists had even more reason to feel
tormented and misunderstood still the
Romantic movement had changed forever
the way people looked at art and how art
looked at people because rules are meant
to be broken and history’s meant to be
here comes Brad Webb brought a brother
of the famous Bronte sisters Bronte can
we talk I think he saw us
brontosaurus brand well darling can we
talk you look fabulous Lee dissolute I
don’t know if it’s the gin or the
melancholy but I’d love it where are
your sisters
the lovely Charlotte Emily and Anne oh
no they came a separate character
you to faint tell me what’s it like
being the brother of such autistic
sisters yeah Jonah I’m an artist myself
I mean I paint like I got a painting
right here I gotta show you I’m sure you