Little Bighorn

Custer’s defeat at the Battle of Little Big Horn as seen through the eyes of the X File’s team. Agents Mulder and Scully confront the evidence and then head west because ‘the truth is out there.’

With the help of the Lone Gunmen and the cigar-smoking man, they uncover germ warfare, government cover-ups, and mysterious creatures known as Indians.

Other parodies include the Crocodile Hunter who’s out hunting for Scalps, Richard Simmons Sweatin To The Indian Oldies, a Scooby Doo cartoon, and Archie and Meathead arguing over the newest bestseller Moby Dick.

YouTube Transcript

Welcome to History Bites I’m Rick Green.  One of the most famous moments in the
history of the Old West has to be
Custer’s last stand it’s quite a story
General Custer and his cavalry men
surrounded by Indians on every side
outnumbered the well-trained soldiers
valiantly fight to the last bullet
against the swirling hordes of savages
yeah it’s quite a story made for some
exciting movies but it’s a little
in fact the Battle of Little Bighorn may
be the only time when history was
written by the losers Native Americans
may have had a deep and spiritual
culture but they were lousy at PR for
most Americans the Indian side of the
story remained a mystery too bad
television wasn’t around in 1876 because
there’s nothing TV characters do better
than solve a good mystery
strange of the wounded great soldier
United States cavalry
they say right
they say the way it’s supposed to be
what is and they white
holder I got your telegram it sounded
you didn’t say stop after every sentence
look at this looks like a bear tooth
right they found it the soil samples in
an area called the Black Hills dakota
territory so so it has a hole in that
Scully how would a bear tooth get a hole
in it probably eat too much honey mover
I can’t believe you made me rush you
just to look at a tooth Scully you can’t
close your eyes to the facts this was
part of a necklace necklace made by
these Indians why not beings from
another land culture totally unlike our
own inscrutable entities from outer West
who travel at the speed of horse
vanishes mysteriously as they came
Scully this tooth it’s clear evidence of
Indian activity the Black Hills area
needs to be investigated well I hate to
break it to him over but the Black Hills
are already being investigated what
general Custer’s in the seventh Cavalry
had already gone in there your army
they’re not trained investigators well
I’m sure if there’s something to find
they’ll find it
what is it it’s a dispatch from near the
Little Bighorn River general custer 210
men under his direct command then fell
what’s been found they’ve been found
now you feel guilty about the
displacement of the Indians all those
poor Indians they used to live in our
land I I just don’t feel like I deserve
my wonderful home if it’s at their
okay now Melissa the problem isn’t the
Indians is it it isn’t well now how can
it be see the Indians aren’t even there
anymore are they huh
they’ve all been moved to reservations
or killed by the army they’re out of a
picture they’re gone
Melissa I want you to look right at me
and think to yourself I am an American I
deserve whatever land God gives to me
it’s not just manifest distant it’s my
destiny Carrie absolutely right doctor
remember indigenous races tain’t mate
you feel guilty unless you let them when
the news got out that Custer and his men
had been killed America was devastated
how could this happen to decent
god-fearing gun-carrying white folks to
make matters worse the Indians had
mutilated many of the bodies and in some
cases cut off their scalps no actually
this was standard practice for Sitting
Bull’s Braves they did the same thing to
other Indians after a victory but
somehow a little off the top was just
one of those cultural quirks that didn’t
quite translate so who’s mr.
conversation over there just one of
Custer’s soldiers subject is male
Caucasian I’m about to make the first
incision looks like somebody being it to
its whole body’s been sliced to pieces
who would mutilate a body like this
don’t you see Scully and all that song
don’t even see it you’re not gonna
convince me that this man and all the
others in the seventh Cavalry will kill
by these extraterritorial beings these
Indians how else do you explain it that
you know what it’s like in the army the
deaths were probably the result of some
argument between the soldiers big
argument wait there’s something lodged
in here
the truth is out west golly I’m booking
a ticket on the next stage coach headed
for the Western Plains better booked me
a plane ticket to know Kate long bow
that cute little Indian woman from the
Lakota tribe up and said well I don’t
think it’s going to last much longer
Jerry all right all right get to the
point already these Indian women then I
like us her brother told me after their
Braves were in a battle the women run
onto the battlefield mutilate the bodies
the tags off my pillows but these
Indians they strip the corpses vacant
and crush their skulls with ranch they
slash them up with knives I don’t want
to ruin your appetite for life Jerry but
the Army’s not the only one with the
collection of privates why did our
government send General George Custer to
push the Indians off their land follow
the Indians had thousands of years to
develop this land and didn’t know about
it well I agree I’m just asking why send
General Custer who would you send
Calamity Jane we have to send in heavily
armed troops I agree I’m not arguing
that but why Custer look look the man
graduated from West Point at the bottom
of his class Custer was a civil war hero
do you know how many cavalry charges he
led ain’t no fear okay no fear was his
motto no there how about no brains and
there’s a grade lower aim his reckless
attacks cost his division more
casualties than any other force in a you
reckless Custer showed leadership and
his troops followed it to their doom who
show voted fancy uniforms he dressed
like a cross between Yosemite Sam and a
hotel doorman soldiers followed him
because of his luck haven’t you ever
heard of the famous Custer luckily had a
fancy outfit on notice right my you talk
about Custer luck yeah how about the
famous Custer the sitting duck huh
Scully look this grass has been trampled
in a crop circle
now could that have been horses running
around and around no way horses don’t
run in circles unless he had riders or
or the horses were drunk or it could
have been a very small tornado Mulder
over here
this is it this is where it happened
a Battle of Little Bighorn Custer’s last
our Custer’s final stand Custer’s last
final defensive stand something like
the Battle of Little Bighorn was a
temporary victory for the tribes who
fought under Sitting Bull but it was a
permanent defeat for General Custer he
led his men to Little Bighorn with the
express purpose of attacking Sitting
Bull’s camp of many tribes but Custer
didn’t scout out the opposition and
despite the fact that his own Indian
scouts warned him that he was
outnumbered four-to-one he split his
cavalry forces into three groups
I guess George never really got the hang
of that old strategy divide and conquer
major emo you saw the battle this was
Custer’s army was wiped out no no
Colonel Custer was the first group they
all died there were two other groups
violet one of them we had survivors who
attacked you like men
pretty rough feathers here sharing
around around their neck they wait I
want to hear what he has to say
now you admit we’re dealing with Indians
I’ll admit it’s something that can’t be
easily explained
uh-huh these sensors start what doesn’t
mean it can’t be explained
I witnessed her lot major Reno was
clearly deranged why is it that whenever
someone dies mysteriously you always
blame the Indians not always when they
die in California I blame the Mexicans
the easy knees believe in slicing off
the hair of their enemy it’s a warning
to other tribes and it’ll help boost the
morale of your own trial law like a good
souvenir as much as an x-block
remember for a full head of hair lure
the middle lights come over I don’t get
dead traitors dead Indians and dead
Buffalo weird jinkies these fur traders
and Indians were trampled and these
Buffalo were shot and thanks to this
campfire cook – huh scoot Rudy – you
said it scoot but the traitors guns
weren’t fired and the Indians were
the Buffalo trampled the people but who
shot the Buffalo and why is the grass
burned maybe some kind of monster
Skinner the Buffalo
over a little bighorn river is miles
away why are we searching in the Black
Hills there’s nothing here about those
train tracks tracks going down to our
planet’s crust it’s a mine they always
have tracks we’re wasting our time
Mulder look same wooden sticks we found
in the bodies of the dead men other
artifacts – laid out carefully Scully I
think these Black Hills are somehow
special to the Indians you’re exactly
right agent Mulder
are you one of them no I’m just a
settler but I’ve spoken to them I know
their ways they are angry agent Mulder
the miners came here to dig for gold but
this area these hills is sacred it
contains a concentration of spiritual
energy back at church church without a
roof or walls it’s impossible with our
technology perhaps but who knows what
they could do that’s exactly what I’ve
been looking for my whole life finally
somebody who can answer all my questions
you see there’s a conspiracy
government warehouse on 14th
she’s dead as dead as vaudeville is or
will be someday hopefully so you’re
responsible for this what did I do
like it’s mr. Jones the train engineer
what I do the sparks from his locomotive
started the grass fire people love
shooting Buffalo from moving trains
that’s why I eat Buffalo Stampede ins
the Indians and traders just happened to
be in the way well looks like we’ve gone
from being detectives to fur traders
what made Custer’s defeat at Little
Bighorn especially shocking was that
previous massacres of Indians had gone
so easily for example in 1870 the
cavalry went looking for a hostile band
of Indians led by mountain chief they
couldn’t find them so instead the
cavalry massacred 173 Indians led by
chief heavy runner it wasn’t the most
glorious victory in the Cavalry’s
history for one thing all the Indians
had been women and children for another
the band they destroyed were considered
friendly I’m guessing that changed but
the point was to kill some Indians who
cares if they are the right ones you
think you can hack into these government
files oh we can hack into them all right
you can’t watch there are professional
secrets involved tricks of the trade
over here look at this treatise maps of
Indian land this whole section is filled
with blankets they have names and dates
on June 18th 18-49
Samantha Mulder Scully stop touching
those blankets this was my sister’s
blanket June eighteenth 18-49 was a day
she died of smallpox doing here my guess
is somebody’s planning on giving these
disease in fact their blankets to the
Indians it’s an old trick
logical warfare we’re in well and we hit
a complete record of all the Indian
massacres you mean they’ve kill again
Custer’s battalion wasn’t the only one
there are other victims I don’t think he
understands we’re talking about
massacres of the Indians by our army
totally government sponsored terrorism
man but don’t white people have to die
for it to be a massacre otherwise it’s
just an unfortunate incident or a
glorious victory you hear about this
Custer guy he and his men were all
killed by Indians out west at the Little
Bighorn River uh-huh
you should go out there ow you should
help them open up the West I don’t know
the first thing about killing Indians
I don’t know all you have to do is take
off your shoes one whiff of your feet
would be worse for them than the
smallpox in 1870 173 Indians killed in
1871 seventy-five Indians killed in 1872
so what are you saying
they attacked Custer for revenge no way
Custer attacked them your government
dollars at work
on December 3rd 1875 six months before
the Battle of Little Bighorn the US
Secretary of the Interior met with
president ulysses s grant and sent to
communicate to the Commissioner of
Indian Affairs it ordered him to send
all hostile Indians to the nearest
reservation how do you define hostile
Indians well any ones who haven’t
checked into the nearest reservation
when the government calls you hostile
you know you’ve either done something
wrong or you have something they want
like your land and everything on the
land and everything above the land and
everything under the land talk about a
hostile takeover
come on months going pickup pickup
Scully agent Mulder who are you and call
me the cigar smoking man but you should
be more interested in is what I have to
tell you what’s that the truth
beware agent Mulder the truth can be a
double-edged broken Trudie wrapped in a
false agreement are you at the
government yes in this bag there’s a
government memo that shows why Custer
really went west it’s a land called the
Black Hills part of Indians territory
American territory I’m guessing he tried
to buy it from the Indians but they
wouldn’t sell because it was sacred land
really agent Mulder
so then you tried to take it by force a
program of extermination against the
Indians using any means necessary
bullets money even biological warfare
very astute now I’m afraid I’m gonna
have to ask you to hand over that memo
but why why the Black Hills because
there’s gold in them thar hills always
wanted to say that call
yes discovered two years ago in an
expedition led by Custer himself ironic
that that gold led to his own demise
Wallace Wallace fighting all this death
it was just about the money always about
money agent Mulder
Custer’s slaughter was more than we
could have hoped for did the public
outcry against the Indians known will
blink an eye when we take the Black
Hills even that breaks every treaty in
the book then there’ll be gold in them
our Hills doesn’t have the same ring to
it the public’s gonna think differently
when they hear the truth please we’re
talking about a country that finds the
Italians too swarthy people need a
villain we’ve given them one the Indians
should be grateful agent Mulder the
villains the juiciest roll I know what
you’re thinking did he fire two shots or
only one it’ll tell you the truth and
all this excitement I kind of lost track
myself but being as this is a 22
derringer the least powerful handgun in
the world would blow your toe clean off
you’ve got to ask yourself one question
do I feel lucky well do ya punkk more
than just a source of buffalo meat my
Indian friends showed me Buffalo can be
useful to make useful household objects
it’s the gift that keeps on giving
we’ll show you how to use the hide hair
hooves and more the tail makes an
excellent flyswatter a hollowed-out
buffalo horn makes a superb mug Buffalo
dung can be burned as fuel that’s high
motor I got your message you Telegraph
you have a memo it’s gone we have no
proof history of pain Custer is a noble
hero who died tragically until the truth
comes out that’ll only happen when the
American people are prepared to believe
that their own government can be a
corrupt money driven agency with no
respect for honor or indigenous races
you’ll be laughed out of the country
with a story like that let them call me
paranoid Scully we know the truth so
from now on when ever we see a
unexplained death or a mysterious
Massacre or bizarre weather formation
we’ll know the government’s behind it
you didn’t California no in California
it’s still the Mexicans three months
after the Battle of Little Bighorn the
government made a proposition to the
Indians give us the Black Hills or we’ll
cut off your food supplies it was an
offer the Indians couldn’t refuse the
massive Indian tribe that defeated
Custer split up some moved to
reservations some were killed by the
army and chief Sitting Bull eventually
joined Buffalo Bill’s Wild West Show
there’s no business like show business
Little Bighorn wasn’t just Custer’s last
stand it was a last stand for the Plains
Indians in the end history took
everything away from the Indians and
gave Custer all the glory just one more
reason why history bites you can also
make tasty sausages with buffalo
intestines just make sure to clean out
the fuel first later we’ll make pins and
buttons from bones and for the little
ones you can make a delightful rattle by
placing a hat