Christopher Columbus

Award for Christopher Columbus History Bites
Gemini Award for Rick Green “Best Direction in a Variety Program or Series”

The Discovery of America

It’s the discovery of America from the perspective of the  Americans who were discovered. The Arawak view of Columbus’ arrival as a sharp parody of the black and white sci-fi classic The Day The Earth Stood Still. Technologically superior creatures arrive in fantastic ships to offer the natives things they’d never imagined, such as disease, slavery, and destruction of their way of life.

In 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.  That’s how the textbooks begin the story of Christobal Colon: or Christopher Columbus, but Columbus wasn’t just a sailor he was a conqueror, boldly going where no man had gone before. Taking a sea trek across a forbidding planet.  When
Columbus touched down in the islands of the Caribbean he made first contact with the Arawak, the native people of this strange new world.  He also launched what would become a full-scale alien invasion. So let’s do our own sci-fi trip and time travel back to 1492, because where do you turn for spine-tingling tales of evil aliens invading unsuspecting peace-loving people?  Television.

The Day The Island Stood Still

Hey Bip. What is it? Will you look at this Bip. 
Three bogies coming in fast.  Too big to be whales.
Political visitors. Alien visitors from out at sea.
There’s no time to waste, mobilize the gift givers when they’re within range of the vessels, open presents at will. We’re gonna show these aliens who they’re dealing with.  The Arawak peace loving people will not stand to see them feel unwelcome.
Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen we bring you this special broadcast in order to bring you the latest information on an amazing phenomenon.  The arrival of several ships on our island, reaction so far has been one of innocent curiosity.  These ships apparently designed for travel outside shallow waters, landed on our shores sometime this afternoon when the Sun was relatively high.
So far there’s been no sign of life from inside the ships.
Citizens have rushed to the beach clutching gifts of handmade pottery and shell necklaces.  Every precaution is
being taken to ensure that no one has doubled up on gifts, after all we would not want to disappoint our visitors from
outer sea, but for now every eye, every ear, every present is trained on these ships.
It’s been like this for some time and the anticipation is beginning to…  hold just a minute ladies and gentlemen!
I think something is happening!
Arawak your present.
We come in peace to conquer you at will.
This was a Christian cross. I was going to plant it in the ground with it I could have claimed any territory in the
world as property of Spain.
This is not good. Come with us, we will fix you a new one. 
From Columbus’s perspective the native Arawak were clearly technologically inferior to europeans, which meant they must also be culturally inferior right?  I mean after all what kind of culture hasn’t discovered greed war and
iron-fisted religious dogma?
Mr. Columbo.
My name is Columbo, just Columbo.
Yes, well we’ve fixed your cross for you.  We gave it an Arawak touch.
Yes I see. 
Right now many of the Arawak people are wondering why you have come to our Island. 
My mission is one of utmost importance. It is not to be shared with any mere commoner. I must ask that you assemble all the kings of this land that I might explain my mission to them.
I’m afraid that’s quite impossible.
I see, no doubt your Kings are occupied with bloody inter tribal wars.
Then they’re arranging politically-motivated marriages for their children to tighten their stranglehold on power.
Of course, they’re overseeing the construction of palaces built on the bent bloody backs of you peasants.
You’ve got it all wrong, we don’t have Kings.
What? no Kings? but who demands taxes from you? Who enacts laws whose face do you have on your coins?
We don’t have any of those things we all do just as we please.
What about a Duke? Earl? Barron? Knight?
We have nothing of the sort.
Somebody, anybody who tells you what to do?
My wife.
No I mean someone you actually listen to.
Oh I do listen to my wife.
Truly the most primitive people.  How about a pope Pope, Cardinal, bishop, priest, altar boy?
I’m going to ask you to stay here so we can bring you presents.
Yes I shall blend in perfectly.
Back in 1492 the Americas were invaded by a race of alien conquerors known as Europeans.  The alien commander Columbus was hungry for gold and he was convinced
that El Dorado was just around every corner, but locating that gold was proving to be difficult I mean you ever
tried to ask for directions in a foreign country?
Well Columbus didn’t even know what country he was in.  Is this China is it India and how do you say hand over all
the gold in Arawak?
Here Colombo I made this for you.
Oh thanks.
Gee don’t you like it?
Well you see Bobby I only like things of real value.  Gold.  You see Bobby where I come from this means everything and that’s why I’ve come here Bobby.  I need gold.
What for?
For lots of things, coins, statues, gold leaf for the King
ceilings, or you just throw on your bed and lie around in.  You see Bobby it’s a very comfortable feeling when you know that you’re rich.
I see,  so you’ve come here to look for gold to take home and share with your people.
That’s just what we tell the people Bobby actually most of
it will go to the king – minus my cut.
It’s not for the people?  isn’t that kind of lying?
No it is not lying Bobby, it’s colonialism.
We don’t have that here.
No not yet Bobby, but I see a better island in the future, one where gold equals wealth and wealth equals power and any man who has it does whatever he wants.
Any man, even me?
No not you Bobby, perhaps I should be more specific.  Any
European man.
Columbus may have been confused about exactly where he was but the native people knew exactly where they were. Home, and back in 1492 the Americas were home to hundreds of tribes and millions of people.  The Native
American cultures were as diverse as the cultures of Europe and just like back in Europe, not every culture was friendly.
Over on the mainland with the Aztecs, did you hear about this?  The Aztecs recently sacrificed 20,000 prisoners of war to their war god Huītzilōpōchtli. 
Anyway the Aztecs cut the hearts out of 20,000 POWs and threw them into a big urn and burn them up that’s right barbecued it to appease their war god. Now that’s cooking. Now actually I’m no Aztec I’m Arawak but I wonder if
he’s already the God of War doesn’t he get enough hearts in the war?  I mean wouldn’t you want to break from all the
hearts of the guys killed in the wars and you know maybe go for some nice food or an evening out with a couple of dozen temple virgins?
Men.  Is it possible that problems with your love life are due to a medical condition?  If you want to please your wife but don’t measure up, more and more men are using the lizard.  The lizard is… a lizard. One bite causes an incredible swelling.

Andy Rooney Parody

And now a few minutes with Andy Rooney of the Apache nation.  You know one of the great things about living on a continent where no one reads and writes is that you don’t have to deal with junk mail.  On the other hand everything we know and learn has to be passed on to us by our elders. I used to hate that when I was young now, that I’m an elder I still don’t like it.  Talk is good but too many elders don’t just pass on knowledge and wisdom they add a bunch of their own opinions.  Kids who just want to learn how to bring down a buffalo without getting trampled don’t care that in their grandfather’s day they had to walk 50 miles to find a herd.  A kid who just wants to learn how to stalk a deer is forced to listen to a long litany of lumbago symptoms.
This is the one you sent for medicine man.
Yes thank you.  Are you the one who broke into my hut and drew this?
I am though I thought you might have one built by now.
These pieces of cloth to harness the power of the wind.
How can you be so sure that these sails will work?
They work well enough to get me from one continent to another.  I am Columbo allow me to be brief medicine man. Your people have discovered a precious metal known as gold.  They have applied it to their jewelry and baubles but soon European nation will come for that gold and take it before I do.  That I simply cannot tolerate I must therefore ask you to gather your strongest citizens to dig for their gold and then give it to me.
But Columbo what if these citizens do not accept your proposal.
In a case such as that I’m afraid your people would have to be eliminated.
Such power exists?
I assure you such power exists.  Allow me to give you a demonstration by making your entire island and stand still.
Yes although your demonstration must not hurt anyone.
That I cannot promise.  Freeze.  Told you I could make the island stand still.  Does all of this scare you medicine man does it make you feel insecure?

Barbara Walters Parody

Good evening I’m Barbara Waltalahupa.  Tonight I bring you a special report on the future of Western civilization entitled “Thinkin’ Incan??”
Plus John Oates looks at mummification.  Is it for everyone or just the human sacrifices?  and later thinkin’ drinking, cocoa beans.  But first is the Inca States of America
in any danger from the European invaders?  Who are these gold seeking slave masters and what sort of threat do they pose to Indian citizens?  Most Incan experts say not much. 
I point out that Incans live under the most complex and own compass and government on the continent.  Our communication networks move messages at twice the speed of llama.  In the blink of an Inka and our leader Sapa Inca.  The only Inca, ensures every aspect of western life, from marriage to food supply training and education,  but is his fortress vulnerable to attack?  The answer is yes according to expert opinion.
The mountains are a terrific defense against people shooting spears and arrows.
Location location location.
Exactly the mounds are precious little defense against a much smaller enemy that goes with the Spanish. Deadly particles, something you cannot see with the naked eye. These foreign bodies which our immune systems have never encountered before are deadly to us.  Incans are totally vulnerable especially anyone who’s elderly are young these small particles carried by Europeans could enter your body and can kill you from inside.
What are these particles alled?
It’s kind of fitting that modern Americans put so much stock in Christopher Columbus. I mean he was the continents original entrepreneur, seeking out a trade route to Asia, but like any entrepreneur Columbus was under the gun to make sure his backers got a return on their investments, and when your investors are the folks behind the Spanish Inquisition going chapter 11 ain’t an option.  So Columbus was eagerly searching for gold.  When gold wasn’t forthcoming he tried exploiting other American resources, exotic new fruits, unusual animals and friendly people.
If anything should happen to me you must go to God you must say these words Colombo si no tienen oro, tómalos como esclavos. Please repeat this.
Colombo si no tienen oro, tómalos como esclavos..  What does it mean?
It means Colombo says if they don’t have gold take them as slaves.
What are slaves? 

David Letterman Aztec Parody

Apparently the Aztecs are running out of hearts to cut out, which is hard to believe because they’re conquering all the mainland and you know boys and girls it’s times like this I say hooray for living on an island.  With the Aztecs running out of hearts we thought we’d help a bunch. 

Top 10 List Parody

So here’s tonight’s top ten list here we go from the home office in the hut on the other side of the bay. 

The top ten slogans for the Aztecs heart campaign

#10 Have a heart? Dibs!
#9  Let’s have a heart to heart
#8 A day without sunshine is like a day without thousands of human sacrifices
#7 War, put your heart into it!
#6 Cross your heart, hope to die, and we’ll take it from there ,by force
#5 Thanks a lot you heartless prisoners
#4 For once, it’s okay to lose heart
#3 Heavy heared? That’s a weight problem we can help with
#2 Make a sacrifice in vein and aorta
#1 We’d love to play with your organ
Stupid native people who don’t deserve this tropical paradise. I am leaving soon and you will forgive me if I speak bluntly.  With the advent of sea exploration the world is growing smaller every day.  Spain’s empire continues to expand and culture’s different from our own cannot be tolerated.  Mine is a highly advanced civilization one that recognizes you as savages who need to be enslaved. 
This does not mean that you as conquered people will have to give up any freedom, except the freedom to live freely.  On our continent we have created and accepted and organization for the assimilation and betterment of all indigenous peoples, it is called the church.  It is a perfect organization one of peace and brotherhood, but if you do not believe me I can arrange for you to take it up with God personally.  It is no concern to me how you run your island, but if you threaten to continue your godless gold hoarding ways this land of yours will be reduced to a smallpox ridden wasteland. 
I will return shortly, but until then I leave you with two choices join us and live in peace with plenty of back-breaking unpaid work for everyone, or pursue your present life style of hedonistic pleasure and face obliteration. 
The decision rests with you, we’re going to be heroes.
Columbus returned to the Americas the very next year.  He set up a base in what is now the Dominican Republic and put the Arawak to work as his involuntary gold miners.  They tried to resist but as any alien invader will tell you, resistance is futile.  To the descendants of the European explorers Columbus is a hero the man who discovered the new world, and to the descendants of the Arawak well they have no opinion because within a hundred years of Columbus they were completely wiped out. 
It was the end of the Arawak race and Columbus took home the gold.  The Conqueror got his write-up in the history books, but for the conquered who got write-ups in the obituaries?  History Bites.
What can we do?
We have an army now I suggest we attack this new
world of Europe conquer it, enslave the Europeans and take all their gold to decorate our temples, because these
Europeans are Sun Godless heathens.  They don’t believe in this Sun God,  they believe in the Son of God.  Eventually we can rebuild their society and they can become a market for our tomatoes, maze, potato and squash.