Boadicea – Xena’s evil sister

A Celtic warrior queen proves to the Romans that women can be just as cruel and blood thirsty as men. In a wicked parody of Thelma and Louise, Boadicea and her daughters seek revenge for a rape by Roman soldiers, that leaves 70000 people dead.

Original Air Date: Jan 18, 2002

Transcript by YouTube

Welcome to History Bites I’m Rick Green.
anyone who cares about women’s rights is
appalled by violence against women some
even suggest death or mutilation for
rapists and every now and then you read
about an abused woman who takes justice
into her own hands and dishes out
well one English woman did that in
her name was Queen Boadicea she lived in
the 1st century AD her husband the
Celtic King had quarreled with the
Romans who were occupying Britain after
he died the Romans took out their anger
on his family
Boadicea was beaten and humiliated her
daughters were raped
Boadicea wasn’t gonna take that lying
she turned violence against women into
violence by them so let’s go back to the
Year 60 ad and watch the events unfold
because if television had been around in
ancient Britain Boadicea would have had
her own channel we now return to our
movie of the week
Boadicea and Louise
I haven’t seen place like this since I
was in Wales isn’t this fun Louise y’all
want a drink no thanks I’ll have a
double need a need shooter and a side of
mead pleased to see you
am i clean or not my husband’s dead or
not me some fun jeez Louise you’re worse
than the Romans I changed that man I’ll
have a double me too with immediate
shooters and a side order of me
excuse me ladies you might watch you
might drink I gotta go to the Koala
Torian this is Britain not Rome soldier
we don’t have vomitorium when are you
people gonna learn our customs and our
traditions come on outside I’ll show you
the pukin tree
you’re right the matter what’s that the
public bath is C professional hair
plucker their summer job I ever head
okay you’re going for the big one you’re
going for the rank of Patricia the land
owning governing class of Romans have
you thought about what you would do as a
patrician well we just first of all I
probably get some mercenaries and pay a
visit to my old masters and I’ll get
real austere gothic on his ass
better now what’s your name
lilius oh really no or really us
masculine singular second declension
Ninth Legion third arm oh oh
Latin never really was my strong point
I’m feeling a little groggy from all
that Mead you know what I like to do
with that I’d like to whip you really
hard take your skin off slave style
sounds tempting but I’m not really in
the mood
and actually it isn’t all that tempting
I better find the LEAs be nice eat you
got no choice little lady when your
husband died he gave all this stuff to
us Romans mad includes you don’t move
you Romans my friends at our tea and tea
will get Titus on the life at which
point you’ll have X X X seconds to read
him the question and come up with an
get the chariot you just killed a Roman
centurion get the chariot
it’s pierced really painful don’t think
we should bandage him up son Oh dusty
would you just start thinking straight
so we got to get out of here else
they’ll blog us straight to Rome look at
me the way it is but it’s your own
intestines they’re using as a whip get
the cherry
I can’t believe Louise I’m the queen of
the Aussie need the Anthony trauma need
me you are the queen of squat now the
Romans are running this country and you
know that as well as I do never forget
the way the emperor claudius invade this
country back in the summer 43
subjugating tribes all across this
Oh see that’s ancient history now get
the chariot the way these a me does it
he was gonna know but he was gonna do
that’s what the Romans have been doing
uh scouts for years we don’t get out of
here now
he’ll be doing it to us both
Boadicea was able to rally other celtic
tribes to her crusade against the evil
overlords wasn’t hard the Romans had
done plenty to rub the Celts the wrong
way their administrators were corrupt
taxes were high and the Romans generally
walked around town like they owned the
place which they did the moment they
kicked out all the occupants and then if
that wasn’t enough the Romans used state
religions to extract even more money
from the locals in this temple was
created especially to allow
simple-minded barbarians like yourselves
to worship our dead Roman emperors as
you know every level of membership is
dear to us but the most dear are those
who have chosen to join at the priests
level how do you join at this level it’s
very simple you give us all your money
now I know what you’re thinking you’re
thinking I don’t know if I can make that
I don’t know if I want to give you all
my money
well friends the good news is you don’t
have to make that decision because we’ll
make it for you
should we go to the Romans I think we
should tell the role as the truth and
say what what do you think we should say
about see you just tell what happened
they took over our country build some
really great roads took over our towns
attacked me raped you tried to whip me
then you killed him then thousands of my
loyal followers attacked and killed the
other Roman soldiers oh we can’t turn
ourselves in then about a Caesar know
how Romans treat their we’ve been even
there girls are either housewives or
hookers how much money you got I got
this gold tour and how many warriors
about 30,000 that ain’t enough we’re
gonna need more celtic soldiers I’m
gonna have to talk to the other tribes
there’s the trend of auntie’s and cattle
of Annie the Wren and Z’s can’t yeah the
court Annie the Belle job failed I
myself if I wasn’t see percent sure and
I would stop well hey at least I’m in
Equestria now so Meredith but just for
which answer would you a picked probably
be well that’s too bad too because she
would have been right our well armed
representatives will be calling on you
to deliver the good news to you in
person and escort you here
where we can tell you about the exciting
regular monetary sacrifices you’ll be
allowed to have taken from you I used to
be a wealthy Celt then I was chosen to
be a priest now all my money is gone and
apparently I don’t have to be a priest
anymore hallelujah that is just great
patrina Vance here gonna bring some
soldiers and then we’re gonna head south
to London London that’s 200 miles away
that’s halfway around the world I know
thank goodness the Romans built these
great roads Brad guys
we’ve got this Queen mo to see his
relatives his Lavery sir
they say her Spears missing and so is
her army didn’t even bother to plow
their fields looks like she’s gonna be
gone quite a while sir
what kind of spear is it Oh big pointy
138 dirty ain’t it’s a pretty good year
for Spears bad enough that they killed
her man it’s worse that these are women
werster we’re worse listed worst idiot
wait a minute
feminine plural third declension
superlative we’re system or system a
it’s worse dissipated they’ve got a huge
army and they’re leading a rebellion I
want them dead both of them no problem
sir Oh 30,000 of them coming up women
getting their act together taking it on
the road and killing thousands of
pedestrians were in the way
in the year 60 ad the Roman Empire was
big and it had gotten that way through
force the Roman military was a lean
clean barbarian killing machine so when
a rebellion erupted in Britain led by
Queen Boadicea no one gave her Celtic
tribesmen much of a chance that is until
her arm he started defeating Roman
troops and massacring whole towns
eventually the Romans realized that
Boadicea was marching her Celtic
Coalition towards London the Roman
general in charge figured he couldn’t
defend the city and he left town he also
left tens of thousands of civilians with
no defence you win some you lose some
we now return to our movie of the week
Boadicea and Louise
we needed the money and the goddess –
donated the human sacrifice she’s gonna
really like us now Louise twenty
thousand golden thirty thousand heads
Centurion any luck in arresting that bow
to see a woman in our army no but we
just got a report that Boadicea has been
in the city of london and she’s
committed murder and robbery sir let it
she steal the City of London who did she
murder the entire population of the City
of London sir well we can’t have that in
our cities you’d better send a couple of
chariots over we’re gonna have to bring
her in applying white LED to her face
repeated bloodlettings from the neck
eating only sugar or never going
outdoors applying white LED to the face
final answer
are you an ordinary Celt who’s written a
satirical poem about a powerful Celtic
Lord and can’t afford a pity on a price
then you mean good legal advice after
all we Celts have one law for the rich
and powerful and another for the weak
and poor but here at vercingetorix well
win split Druce belt and goldberg we
help the weak and poor will help make
you a lot last week and only a little
more poor so if you’ve written a
satirical pullman are about to be set
adrift at sea
call us we can help you write a praise
poem and compensation it may be enough
to keep you from being sent up the river
to the sea and off the edge of the world
Emma sister stays you can’t leave with
less than ever as a matter of fact
here’s your cheque let’s see if you can
go for mmm thanks
title we’re really not dead why should I
forget those condemned criminals over
there who are now dead
but right now right here right here are
safe for all you non-christians out
there which is pretty much everyone our
next guest is here to convert you
reading from his letters to the
Corinthians the Apostle formerly known
as Saul it’s the cute one number six on
the road of life there are soldiers and
there are martyrs martyrs wanted
five Jesus he’s everywhere he wants to
number four Oh hungry oh Jesus God never
do friends don’t let friends worship
Venus everyone Christian recruiting
slogan did somebody say communion you a
well yeah Sakon filcher I was down on my
luck so I I destroy the town or to me
and the rest of the boys from the candy
I trap you never never say can’t to a
can TI how do you do it
well I walk in there with my sword not
saying alright ladies and gentleman
let’s see who is gonna win the Cal to
the ear prize for keeping their cool
everybody down on the floor well I set
fire to your house and if you don’t lose
your heads well I’ll make sure yeah burn
nothing now everybody just put their
valuables in this bag and put your head
and genitals in this other bag oh my
gosh here I polite about it well I’ve
always believed that if it’s done right
pillagin doesn’t have to be an
unpleasant experience yeah then I take
it in the survivors you not crucify
hammer hang him cut him up soon burn him
you know I do believe you’ve given me an
idea yeah tell me more about them
genitals like see they get
oh you the life one and eliminate III of
the choices all right we could do that
we can take away I I and leave i i
answers interesting oh darn I hate to do
this but I’m gonna use another lifeline
do a horoscope Oh
all right let’s get you some cards rings
and pebbles where did you put the
prisoners prisoners sir that boat is see
a woman and her celtic mob oh well we
found them Sir
me and Marcus and Antonius good good and
I sent them in to arrest them by photos
he had told her army to put Marcus
Antonius in a wicker cage your men
should have waited until after nightfall
and then cut their way out well they
tried that sir but unfortunately at
nightfall the Celts burned the wicker
cage flaming idiots we can’t have the
Celts making a Wickery in the Roman army
no sir
get a couple more soldiers and go back
there and arrest them all I don’t think
I’m up to it fine I’ll do it myself
get me my army where’s my armas sir
I want the Roman occupation purses in
this PDX you
coming up Boadicea x’ road trip when all
roads lead to Rome
when queen Boadicea led a revolt against
the romans she could not be allowed to
win after all if one occupied people
showed that they could throw out the
Roman overlords the whole Roman Empire
would be in revolt Emperor Nero had to
crush the Celtic clans to maintain the
status quo of Roman imperialism
so while Boadicea and her army were
flattening old London the Romans had
retreated further down the road to lay a
trap like my eyes are open I can’t sleep
at the sound of thirty thousand men
snoring I’m awake too
I don’t remember ever feeling this awake
everything’s it’s different I mean you
and I look back at London awful decadent
Roman town
everything seems brighter it’s different
it is different Oh Tasya it’s on fire
maybe that’s it I can’t wait till we get
to the coast we’ll just sit there in the
Sun sit need cocktails and push the last
of the Romans off the cliff you know
what’s happened don’t you good we’ve
gone insane we’ve gone on a crazy
murderous rampage and now a few minutes
with Andi runic time is fond of human
sacrifices the next count but it seems
to me that some parts of the ritual or a
little mixed up well take the way we
choose the victim the candidates each
pick a piece of bread and the winner was
the one who gets the burnt piece then he
has to eat the bread now I’m no druid
but this seems all backward to me this
guy is about to lay down his life for
our well-being and the first thing we do
is to make a mean burnt bread wouldn’t
be fair if the losers who get to live
eat burnt bread as a Jew it’s important
that the meat I eat is strictly kosher
that’s why I never eat with Romans or go
to a Gentile butcher all too often the
meats sold by poachers has been used as
a sacrifice on the altar of a foreign
deity all of this cost a little more but
it’s worth a little sacrifice to know
that your dinner hasn’t already been a
little sacrifice first we sprang him and
we cut his throat then we crack his
skull and finally we drown them in the
bog maybe this is somebody’s idea of
being thorough to me it just seems like
overkill and it’s indecisive I say get
rid of the throat cutting the skull
cracking and the drowning and just stick
to strangling good all those Romans up
there it looks like an army is the army
it’s the 14th to 20th allegiance what a
see yeah we’re completely surrounded and
I don’t think it’s gonna be so easy to
set those guys on fire I guess you
should have come up with some kind of
plan for what to do in case we get
caught we aren’t gonna get caught I
guess I went a little crazy there huh no
you’ve always been crazy this is just
the first chance you’ve had to kill
70,000 civilians
remember those Roman women back and very
Lambie the way we cut off the breasts
again anything
those guys what’s their problem
those are the Belcher now we got them
where we want them you’re not giving up
let’s not get caught by those Romans
your good friend Louise and my daughter
you too sweetie best even though we are
a bit mean to prisoners of war ad astra
I sure hope you like open hands here we
they’re attacking don’t fucking doodle
Boadicea spade is a mystery one source
says she took poison another says she
died of disease sometime after the final
battle but she lived on for centuries as
a kind of boogey woman figure that Roman
mothers used to scare their children as
for the Roman generals well they learned
a valuable lesson bring in more troops
and punish any tribes who had rebelled
future rapes would be carefully
controlled it just shows that the
mistreatment of women has a long history
and history bites
yeah sure next you’re gonna tell
antennapedia it’s a rumor she spreads
who she gets the place to herself
okay now getting back to politics
what about Nero our Emperor how’s he
doing the Emperor thought you were gonna
talk politics okay you know I think he
loves the amphitheater more than he
likes the Senate you know I mean I think
we should save some time combine the two
get the Senators fight in the gladiators
or maybe the Senators racing around in
the chariots now that’s the Senate race
people would actually watch