The American Civil War

The story behind President Abraham Lincoln’s decision to issue the Emancipation Proclamation to give the Union forces the high moral ground in a brutal and bloody war is revealed in a parody of West Wing.

As well, the Crocodile Hunter goes Slave Hunting in the old south, and the Discovery Channel looks at how marvellous new technologies like the telegraph, Iron Ships, and steam power, are being used to make war more efficient. Mass production leads to mass destruction.

Original Air Date: April 18, 2002

Welcome to History Bites I’m Rick Green

some years ago the United States was

locked in a struggle with a corrupt some

would say evil nation whose political

system was based on the suppression of

individual freedoms both sides used up

vast resources in a deadly arms race to

get the most advanced weapons technology

in submarines telecommunications and

aerial reconnaissance this was not the

Cold War but the American Civil War and

the enemy nation was the CSA the

Confederate States of America now

Americans are obsessed with the wars

that they’ve won and the wars that

they’ve lost and in the Civil War they

kind of did both

so let’s look back at the war which

ended slavery and brought freedom the

freedom to speak the freedom to vote and

the freedom to watch television

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president this victory at Antietam is a

godsend time we won one finally and mr.

president we have to take another look

at the slave issue what the slavery

issue is not on the table but this Wars

about slavery no this wall is about

secession didn’t you hear the

President’s speech national integrity

that is to say the integrity of the

nation one nation indivisible under

Canada and above Mexico excuse me but

this civil war is about preserving our

rights and exactly what rights are we

talking about civil war for civil rights

you dunderhead deserve be civil know

about the right to decide important

issues in huge committee I second the

motion

I fourth it gentlemen what about the

right to inter I was gonna say the right

to interrupt each other no no the right

to disagree with each other nonsense

free speech you don’t pay a tax the

right to speak in our own – damn it clip

sentences powerful punchy the right

tarnish off each others ideas and build

on those ideas and build even further on

those ideas until we achieve a

we now return to slave hundred on

Confederate television for the Negro

slaves to be truly happy they have to be

kept in areas where there are enough

resources to support their population

but when an area becomes overcrowded

there may not be enough food to go

around and they may die that’s when it’s

up to Steve to go in and relocate some

of the extra numbers there’s a new slave

baby in this group and we’re gonna get

it out of here and Transplant it into a

new population about thirty miles from

here in this year and as you can see

she’s watching us warily as we approach

preparing to strike okay

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whoo-hoo all that blah this country was

created by a bunch of people who were

afraid to stand up and demand their

independence and I for one do not want

to see this nation destroyed by a group

of rebels who have stood up and demanded

their independence it does give one

pause mr. president yes pause dramatic

pause hello and welcome to techno talk

I’m Jay Ingram and I’m Joe beacon we’ll

be looking at war what do you think of

war Jill I hate it Jay I wish there was

some way to end it

well Jill a number of scientists and

inventors feel the same way tell me Jill

did you ever find yourself they hide

often thinking why can’t Lincoln and

Jefferson Davis just talk to each other

and sort out their problems right away

but of course the problems of distance

make that impossible

well maybe not anymore joining us now is

mr. Otto Fang Horne a senior executive

with a telegraph company hello Jay or

should I say dit dit dit dit dit dit dit

dit dot is that Morse code do you know

Morse code no well in that case yes it

is Morse code can you tell our viewers

how this exciting new code will be you

well III see Morse code emerging as a

new international language of people

will will speak in Morse and shop in

Morse well perhaps even even make love

and Morse make love not war exactly well

in fact right right now a Morse code is

is being used to to win this this

terrible Civil War by allowing enemy

leaders to communicate no no by allowing

our generals to send orders to our

troops so they can wipe out these rebels

this code will allow us to mop the

battlefield

Confederate entrails Robert what massive

project will make crossing the continent

safer and faster exterminating Indians

the Transcontinental railway Jerome what

this President Lincoln’s nickname Honest

Abe Michael what religious sect believe

the Native American Indians are the lost

tribes of Israel

Zionists Robert what phrase expresses

Americans belief this continent is

theirs to settle and tape exterminating

Indians the North went to war to stop

the South from leaving the happy United

States family how’s that for tough love

the main reason the South wanted to

leave was the slavery issue many

Northerners wanted to abolish slavery

but for the South slavery was like a

pair of smelly old sneakers if you get

rid of them you may have more friends

but you’ll be a lot less comfortable hi

Jill mr. Whitney could you explain how

these new machines will help put an end

to slavery

well Jill separating the cotton fibers

from the seeds used to be male breaking

work but now that’s changed well that’s

right Jill these new cotton engines can

separate the cotton fibers from the

cotton seeds automatically using

exciting new technology we call rotating

spikes it’ll do the same work and 150th

of the time now this machine looks

pretty complicated is it hard to use

both Sal the four could operate it and

in fact they do and that means big

savings that do you know how little you

pay it tell the poor I hate to say it

mr. president but the only way to end

this war may be to let the South go

their own way makes sense to me you know

mr. president I really didn’t like mint

juleps all that much anyway it may be

our best option mr. president but the

south secede the Confederacy leave I

mean who needs Georgia Florida Alabama

Tennessee

let the south have South Carolina and

North Carolina and Virginia my wife no

the state it sounds almost too good to

be true

income for our little children and

slaves don’t have to work in the cotton

factories

oh yes it’ll free them from the

factories and allow them to do their

slave labor in the cotton field that is

once we have peace again if and we

Whitney’s are doing our best to help

bring that piece of boat with our latest

mass-produce product what is it

gentlemen before you make that decision

you should remember the departure of the

south will have one other consequence

for this country of ours the

continuation of slavery the route of the

Transcontinental Railroad a nation

diminished dream defeated just no good

below the southern star as a military

man mr. president I have to say that the

composition is all wrong I guess we keep

fighting

I’m putting General Grant in charge good

idea in charge of the flag or the army

when we come back 50 ways to leave the

Union

it’s hard to believe that the land of

personal freedom and liberty was once

torn apart by the issue of slavery and

it’s hard to imagine the mindset of

people who lived in the Confederacy if

the United States was torn by conflict

well so were many southerners many of

them felt deep down that slavery was

wrong but they were afraid that ending

it would be dangerous they lived in a

kind of fantasy world turning a blind

eye to slavery and focusing on romance

and the fine points of etiquette and the

lack of realism didn’t stop there looky

what we’ve got here this is a white

abolitionist looks like a young female

probably a Quaker slavery goes against

the laws of man and God only an evil man

can support it for what applies to the

white man the Constitution also protects

all right to protect our property

Dominique

don’t be T Tauri do we were in the

middle of it to fight she used inductive

reasoning and an ad hominem argument and

then she beat me boy let my guard down

any more line of work that can be deadly

especially since that was your index

finger – right now we’re gonna tag the

abolitionist this red hot SS brand

stands for slice Tila it’ll help us

track her movements so we can find out

more about these beautiful but

endangered liberal creatures she’s been

sedated with a few Wallops so this

really doesn’t hurt all right hold it

there Bruce that was me hold it down

brands not pretty hot and crikey who do

that isn’t that a beauty there she goes

off into the wall again they’re rioting

in New York Negroes have been lynched

they’re sending in the troops to help

quell it like it or not mr. president

slavery may be abhorred by most but not

all aboard or not in the south

slavery is an economic reality slavery

is an abomination

our troops are weary victory seems

distant we must claim the moral high

ground it’ll backfire on us mr.

president Missouri may switch and join

sides with the rebels Proclamation will

only free the slaves in the south

did you even read this we aren’t free

and slaves in areas that support us

we’re only freeing the slaves of our

enemies they aren’t our slaves to free

they are if we win the war they should

be no one slaves

coming up we have the fifth Vermont Fife

and drum corps with more patriotic

ballads but first in our audience

tonight the man who made drinking wine

safe again thanks to his brilliant

scientific mind decent honest American

citizens can drink wine without getting

ill from journey that’s right we can out

drink till we puke mr. Louis Pasteur

take a bow Louie seems to me that these

freed slaves in the south would create

another headache for the Confederate

forces reduce their manpower guerilla

warfare

Gorillaz you take that back those slaves

are men like you and I guerrillas gu er

well that’s fine then my mistake look at

the discord this issue is causing mr.

president I say we shouldn’t free any

slaves mark my words

it’ll be women next all men are created

equal men not women those were the words

handed down to us by the founders of

this nation Washington Jefferson

Franklin they were proud free and the

richest slave owners in the country the

new field of ironclad design is now

being used on ships talking with us now

we have the captains of the two new

ironclad ships these two ships are

currently locked in battle but both

captains have agreed to take a break to

talk with us hello Jay can you tell us

how is the fight going the enemy cannons

are having no effect on our ship this

ship is for all practical purposes

perfect although I hear your cannons

aren’t doing much damage to the enemy

either so maybe the ship isn’t as

perfect as you think I see no point in

continuing this conversation

Daisy yes Thank You captain let’s go now

– Commodore Franklin Buchanan the

captain of the Virginia could you

explain to our viewers how this

technology works I can’t go into details

let’s just say we build these ships in a

stronger way Senate bail them out of

wood we use a secret new material iron

with gold your secret well it was just

again to use a word invincible tang but

let’s just say they’ve been loving

cannonballs against the side of our

metal home for three hours now

I didn’t say anything is weakest Lincoln

Robert an 11-year old girl

suggested that Lincoln should walk what

Lords a beard Jerome the novel Uncle

Tom’s Cabin treated popular opposition

to what practice do-it-yourself builder

slavery Michael which act allows poor

people from the East to obtain land in

the West killing Indians a Homestead Act

of 1862 Todd the Dred Scott decision

denied what I denied the right of a

slave to sue for freedom and the right

of territory to exclude slavery within

its boundaries this denial of any rights

for the slave contributed to the

arrogance of all by inflaming

anti-slavery factors in defeating sexual

antagonism that is correct

well a few minutes with Andy Rooney when

photography first appeared I was a big

fan it was fascinating to see all the

tiny details in these pictures and no

annoying brushstrokes but these days

with all these war photos the novelty

has worn off we see photos of soldiers

after they’ve enlisted then we see them

standing in their camps in long rows

then we see them lying ripped to pieces

on the battlefields I’m starting to

think we should go back to paintings

they’re more colorful they show more

action and they’re just more fun in a

painting when you see a soldier dying

he’s usually surrounded by his friends

and looking at what the heavens it’s a

lot more uplifting than seeing a lot of

corpses face down in some muddy field I

see that you voted for yourself we can

think and ask why I was just trying to

get rid of the dead wood on this team so

I can get to the end win that money you

have got to the end Jerome you are the

weakest link

when we come back some new ways to break

down that awkward slavemaster barrier

the issues that fueled and then sparked

the American Civil War and all of the

battles between the blues and the grays

were not exactly black-and-white not

even when it came to the issue of blacks

and whites I was surprised to learn that

not all of the states and the Union had

banned slavery and in the South not all

slave owners were cruel to the slaves

they owned some love their slaves really

loved their slaves of course that led to

some problems of its own have you been

accused of immoral relations with slave

women a father and the child of asleep

are you facing the jealousy of a wife or

loved one because of your inappropriate

affection for your slave lovers but your

unnatural offspring with them well we

can help whether it’s arranging for the

auction of an illegitimate child to a

new home far away or ensuring that your

slave girlfriends received the same

harsh discipline as the rest of your

slave property and do blond hair and we

can solve your slave related personal

problems because all slaves are created

equal

the slave is happiest when kept in

captivity but sometimes they escape a

time they do it’s up to Steve to get

them back well so what are we going in

here whitey well I say we’re moving

these boxes around to ship them up north

and we heard a sound coming from inside

this one here so we’re thinking maybe

there’s a slave crawled in there crikey

we see he’s quite a bit the Negro mile

likes captivity and you crawl into any

small spice so we can feel like he’s

even more in captivity it’s a good thing

we caught this one when we did otherwise

he could end up running around the

northern states fighting people it looks

like we’ve got a full grown Negro mile

in there what unlike me facin specimen

now I’m gonna stick my hand in there and

I just hope he doesn’t bite it making it

bleed spectacularly for the camera he’s

called me naughty little Negro what

about the issue of cotton and the slaves

who producing will Britton join the war

to protect its cotton supply Peter we’re

not keen on this slave issue cotton is

important of course but if it has to be

produced by poor exploited workers were

mistreated and underpaid just because

their skin happens to be darker than

ours we’ll have to buy it elsewhere and

where you get it our colony of India the

point is we absolutely must have cotton

to keep our cotton mills humming

otherwise we will throw thousands of

British children out of work well let me

turn to you Monsieur

Oh tray what is the French perspective

on America’s Civil War well as far as

the French are concerned we think the

South has a right to a distinct society

does France water fight to protect the

south we yes you yes we the French we

the French yes for oui

we want to help the south you the French

yes yes that time it was we the French

but the other time it was we yes we want

to fight we we that thousand times we

does French have the army to do it

no no that Napoleon business really kind

of shot our boat there I have made my

decision Andy I’m gonna make that

anti-slavery speech Doug get the train

ready we leave as soon as the road is

clear you won’t regret this sir I’ll

make sure that we have that railway

secured by our forces what if people

need to get in touch with you they can

reach me at my Gettysburg Address right

Lincoln’s Gettysburg Address and later

his Emancipation Proclamation changed

the focus of the Civil War instead of

the north fighting to keep the south

they were now fighting to put an end to

slavery nearly a century earlier the

American War of Independence had been

fought over the issue of personal

liberty

but it took the American Civil War to

show just how far those ideas of

personal liberty went many people in the

south had believed their comfortable

lifestyle and rural economy would be

destroyed by emancipation instead their

lifestyle and economy were destroyed by

war a war which killed more Americans

than any other war in history as General

Sherman once said

war is hell and as I have more than once

said history bites I’m here in

Philadelphia New START garments recently

our First Lady Mary Todd swiped into

town and dropped a bundle of taxpayers

money on some really incredible clothes

I spoke to designers and spoiled the

woman it’s a national treasure she came

in here yelled at my spat just like she

was royalty she just had this whole

energy about her of that trickery jumpy

she smacked one girl and spent a bundle

she must have dropped enough to outfit a

regiment

Wow major Shopaholic

[Music]

Post date February 13, 2019