Elizabeth The 1st

Mary Queen of Scots

Original Air Date June 26th, 2004

It’s the rival regents of the Renaissance, Mary Queen of Scots and Elizabeth the 1st, battling it out on Jerome Springer (Jerry Springer Parody)

There’s surprise guests waiting back stage, shocking revelations, and plenty of mud slinging in a battle royal for the throne.

Other parodies include Alanis Morrissette singing about dueling Queens, cartoons, Dirty Harry waving his big axe, and a news report on how Fish On Friday has changed from a simple job creation program into a semi-religious event.

We took the fatal feud between Mary, Queen of Scots and her distant cousin, Queen Elizabeth (The first Queen E.. The current one is far too nice for this kind of vulgarity) Ron Pardo does an awesome Jerry Springer, Teresa Pavlinek and Janet Van De Graaff play the rowdy rulers, and poor Bob Bainborough is doomed and knows it.

This episode includes some of the cast and crew’s favorite lines, including Mary, bragging that she was appointed Queen of France when she was still a child, “I was regal before I was legal.” And I would like to think the phrase, “Ankle Whore!” has never been used by anyone else, ever. Certainly not by a mob of revolting peasants.

Did Mary Queen of Scots Ever Meet Queen Elizabeth?

Welcome to History Bites I’m Rick Green.

Whether it’s in an action movie or the boxing ring a fight between two men is seen as interesting dramatic and

exciting, but a brawl between two women is considered cheap and tawdry.

Well in the 16th century the British Isles experienced a very public fight between two women and not just ordinary women, two queens.

It was all very embarrassing the Queen of England was Elizabeth the only surviving child of Henry the Eighth the guy with six wives.

She had a battle royale with Mary Queen of Scots who also

had her sights set on the throne of England.

These Renaissance Regents were involved in plots and counter plots, intrigue and diplomacy, threats and violence and yet Liz and Mary never actually met in person.  If only television had been around in the 16th century, these two

quarrelling Queens could have come face to face, aired their grievances and hurled chairs at each other on a trashy

talk show.

Jerry Springer Parody

Jerome Springer Show doth well-contained young adult themes and language most profane.  If parent be as thou prithee be discreet are matter for thy children is not meet.

Ladies and gentlemen would you please welcome the master of the rebels, Jerome Springer.

You know it’s always tough when families are torn apart because two people want the same thing and only one of them can have it.

Well today on our show our guests include two people who both want the throne of England, please meet Mary she’s here to confront members of her own family for standing

in her way Mary Queen of Scots.

Hi Mary what’s going on here?

Well Jerome I think I’ve been silent way too long. I’m here today because I think I should be Queen of England.

So just let me get this straight then, you’ve already

been Queen of Scotland and France. That’s right.

 

But you want to be queen of England too?

Well Jerome what can I say, you know some girls just like a good three-way.

Why the hell not, I got what it takes, appoint me to the thrown and I’ll sit on it, I will, because I rule, I rule all of you, you know I was Queen of Scotland when I was one week,  I was Queen of France when I was 17. I was regal  before I was legal.

There’s just one problem, last time I checked we already had a Queen of England.

I know that Jerome she’s my cousin.

Oh so you’re saying Elizabeth is your cousin?

That’s right she’s my first cousin once removed.

Once removed, and you want to be the one who removes her.

It’s so not true. Well I don’t want to cause any harm to my dear cousin Lizzie.

Mary I don’t understand, I mean we can’t have two Queens, there’s something else going on here Mary.

Well you know what I just want her to do right by me Jerome. I mean Liz’s father was Henry the eighth, okay so after her sister Mary and her brother Eddie died that makes her the oldest surviving heir to the Tudor line, okay so that gives her the right to be queen for now.

But hell I just won’t Lizzie to fess up then I’m next in line,

all right, after all I’m the granddaughter of Lizzie’s aunt  Margaret by way of James number five of the Stuart line, all right.

Somebody give me a family tree diagram.

All this noble inbreeding, look look okay all you’re saying is that you want your cousin to acknowledge your claim to the throne.

Yeah cuz let’s face it you know she ain’t likely to give birth to no heirs if she’s bragging that she’s the Virgin Queen.

Okay but you won’t actually become queen of England until Elizabeth dies isn’t that right?

Well Queens have accidents Jerome, Queens have accidents all the time.

Well you can always count on family.

TV Guide

That aching all over stuffy nose itchy eyes feeling than you need leeches, it’s the all-natural cure that sucks sicknesses symptoms away.

Alanis Morissette Parody

The queen of pop music sings about that queens and kings of Europe remember.

I’m Protestant but I’m Catholic, I’m English but I’m Scottish, I’m loyal but I’m rebellious, baby, what it all boils down to, is everything’s coming to a head, head, head, because I’ve got one Queen in my palace and the other one’s Mary Queen of Scots.

And you also get, thank you royalty, thank you privilege, thank you divine right of Kings…

Martha Stewart Parody

Some fabulous new imported items from the new world that will make your parties special.  Among the most popular imports from the Americas are pineapples.

Now normally I eat apples with the peel on but for the pineapple

I’d suggest peeling the peel.  Other fabulous imports are vanilla tobacco and native people.

A native Indian in your home makes a great conversation piece but watch out when they’re transplanted to our climate they tend not to last very long.

Alanis Morissette Parody

Jog your memory with this one.

King beheads three of his wives, his daughter never weds of course, he’d marry six times hoping for a boy, he starts new church, so he can do divorce and isn’t it moronic don’t you think

Jagged Little Pill Parody

I recommend getting your head cut off, to anyone, I certainly do.

Mary Queen of Scots on Jerry Springer Parody

You would never plot or scheme to murder anyone?

I would not, that’s right Jerome.

Well I don’t know Mary, our next guest has a different story.

It’s your third husband the Earl of Bothwell.

Bothwell, I haven’t seen that worthless piece of haggis in 19 years.

Well he’s here backstage let’s bring him out.

You murderer!  You lying piece of sh*t!

Rick Green: Queen Elizabeth’s family had been unlucky at love. So she stayed single.  Mary Queen of Scots probably should have done the same.

She was promised to Prince Francois of France when she was three and fourteen years later she married him.

The waiting must have been kind of hard on Francois because he died two years later.

Mary returned to Scotland met Lord Darnley and married for love then she fell out of love with him and in love with her advisor so Lord Darnley had her advisor killed.

Then Mary fell for the Earl of Bothwell and things got really

messy.

I lost everything I had for her.

Okay but why are you calling your wife a murderer Bothwell?

Well I am here to speak my mind because you know what? No. I

killed her second husband Lord Darnley, and she helped me do it.

That is not true Jerome, they never proved that and you know that’s not true Darnley’s death was an accident all right. It was one of them accidents where a whole lot of gunpowder sort of

just blows up your house.

And then just sends your husband’s body into the garden right.

Pikachu Parody

Kayoga hey mikachu whew what is it?

There’s trouble in London Kayoga it’s a giant robot man.

I summon the power of the virginal regent Queen Elizabeth!Remember how yesterday you arrested a giant robot man for being drunk in public?

That’s right I sentenced him to the usual punishment under Queen Elizabeth the drunkards cloak.  That’s where the drunkard is forced to wear a barrel as a cloak he wanders through town while the villagers laugh at him.

Yes but I don’t think they’re laughing.

Sorry, Sorry, Whoops, Sorry stupid barrel.

Next time put him in the stocks, the really big stocks.

Elizabeth the First on Springer Parody

This Darnley is he was some piece of work you know what he done you know what he done?

No.

He found out Mary here was having an affair so you he had her lover killed right in front of her yeah yeah he was hoping that the shock would cause her to miscarry and die.

Whatever.

That’s what I call a bloody Mary!

Rick Green:

There’s a surprise guest Virgin Queen waiting backstage find out who when we come back.

Though Mary Queen of Scots and Elizabeth the first ended up mortal enemies they started out okay.

 In fact when Mary was still ruler of Scotland she and Lizzie even traded portraits, after all they were cousins as well as Queens but when Mary scandalous behavior forced her to seek refuge in

England she became a tiara in the side of Elizabeth.

Now if Elizabeth had inherited anything from her parents it was a survival instinct, she was pretty shrewd about nipping any rivals in the bud.  One’s a monarchy two’s a crowd.

Jerry Springer and Mary Queen of Scots Parody

Well it’s a tough story here Mary here wants to be the Queen of England but in a shocking twist we just found out that her third husband Bothwell killed her second husband Darnley for her.

See what I don’t understand is why the two of you just didn’t stay in Scotland after you got married. I mean is Scottish food really that bad?

We was accused of killing my second husband.

Which we did!

Well you know how small-minded people can be.

Do I ever Renaissance my ass.

Well you know they made me give up my throne, all right, and they made my son James King of Scotland, that little usurper twerp.  So I hightailed it to England.

Obviously then this wasn’t a case of searching for better food.

I came to England looking for refuge, you know you want to know what my cousin Lizzie did?  Oh oh she took care of me all right she kept me a prisoner for 19 years.

She kept me locked up in a cold dark estate with just the bare necessities of food and shelter, a private secretary, a few dozen maidservants and and a very poorly stocked wine cellar.

I lost the best years of my life Jerome, nineteen years I could’ve been Queen of three countries in that time.

if I ever see that Elizabeth I’m gonna give a piece of my mind like she done never knew.

Well I think you’re gonna get your wish because Queen Elizabeth’s been backstage listening everything, we’re gonna bring her out right now, here she is, her highness.

You little whore!

Did I take your man? Oh I forgot, you ain’t got no man.

Martha Stewart and Plants Parody

A plant that is aging and isn’t as pretty as it once was, why not take a leaf from Queen Elizabeth’s book and cover it up with a bright orange wig.

TV Guide Star Trek Parody

Ah Mr. Spock you and your cold Yorkshire logic.

Dueling Queens of England

You Catholic!

You Protestant!

Rick Green:

England in the 16th century was a nation divided between Protestants and Catholics.  The previous Queen of England Elizabeth’s sister had been a staunch Catholic.

This pleased the Catholics and cheesed the Protestants, then came Elizabeth a Protestant pleasing Protestants and upsetting

Catholics.

Mary Queen of Scots was a staunch Catholic so well you can guess who was pleased and who was upset.

It seems that when it came to Queens you can’t please all of the Christians all the time .

Fighting Queens Parody

Are you a playwright who’s been writing under someone else’s name?  If so tell us your story we want to know.

We’re back with Mary and Elizabeth two cantankerous aging Queens.  Now Elizabeth tell us why you’re so upset with your cousin Mary.

I mean what has she done to you or to England?

Come on Jerome you heard her Mary would do anything to get my crown, in fact she’d probably do anyone to get my crown.

Okay so Liz you’re worried about whether or not you can trust Mary.

Well Jerome the fact is there’s a lot of Catholics in England right now who aren’t too happy with the Protestant Queen like me.  If I know Mary she’s been conspiring with them to get rid of me.

Oh yeah what about The Ridolfi Plot?  What about the rising of the north?  Any of that ring a bell?

Write a sonnet to the hand girlfriend.

I may not have any proof that you were involved, but I’m not an idiot either. I trust you about as far as I trust a man.

You know what Jerome, I am loyal to her you know I try to be a good cousin. I have been patient all these years.

Patiently waiting for me to die.

She accuses me of all these plots I don’t know what she’s talking about, I never heard of that.

She’s constantly plotting against me Jerome.

You know what she is a lying cow and I swear that on my third husband’s grave.

Parody of Star Trek

Dammit Drake what are you gonna do about Mary Queen of Scots she tried to depose Queen Elizabeth.

There’s no proof of that bones all we know is that Scottish

Catholics were trying to invade England, the Scots are a savage warrior race, they speak a strange guttural language, now they could have started this without

Mary’s help.   Isn’t that right Scotty?

Aye captain. 

Are you sure he’s Protestant?

When did the Catholic Church stop eating meat on Fridays?

Fish vendors have been doing great business ever since Parliament prohibited meat on Fridays.

The law was passed during King Edward’s reign when meat was scarce in Britain and the commercial fishing industry was in trouble.

The result fish on Fridays, now 40 years later some suggest that this consumer regulation is unneeded and should be repealed.

That could be difficult however because Roman Catholics have turned this law of commerce into a religious right.

How did a law designed to create employment for fishermen become a mortal sin? 

Did Mary Queen of Scots and Elizabeth Fight?

I am NOT gonna sit here and listen to this sob story from a woman who murdered her second husband .

Well you take that back.

Face it honey you are nothing but poor Scottish trash why don’t you go back to the Highland farm you came from.

Oh yeah, yeah well this ain’t the Virgin Queen.  This queen has seen action baby, that’s right.

I don’t appoint heirs, I make them.  Yeah baby which Queen do you like better huh?  You think she’s got a pair as good as these?

Ankle whore! Ankle whore!