The Osborgias

Ozzy Osbourne Parody

The shocking story of the dysfunctional family who bullied their way into the Papacy and almost destroyed the Catholic church with their scandalous vices. In a deadly parody of The Osbournes, we follow Pope Alexander as he battles with his favourite mistress and most important bastard children.

As well there’s parodies of Regis and Kelly discussing the popularity of the Borgia’s TV show, Martha Stewart’s tips on poisoning powerful rivals, and a Sailor Moon spoof about a notorious orgy staged by the Borgias.

Imagine if reality TV was popular in Renaissance Italy. It’s the “Osborgias,” the story of the infamous Pope Alexander VI (aka Rodrigo Borgia) and his dysfunctional, corrupt, scheming family. Done as a parody of ‘The Osbournes.’ (Apologies to Ozzy and Sharon) Bonus: We also go channel surfing up and down the dial to see what else is hot in 1500 AD.

Welcome to History Bites I’m Rick Green. People love scandals in high places

because celebrity gossip makes us feel

better about our own lives

thus the popularity of celebrity gossip

shows but there were scandals long

before hardcopy for example in

Renaissance Europe the Pope was the

ultimate power and the ultimate

celebrity the papacy was a shining

beacon of progress enlightenment and

civilization when it wasn’t mired in

scandals that would make Bill Clinton

choke on his cigar perhaps the worst of

the so-called bad Pope’s was Rodrigo

Borgia or Pope Alexander what

Michelangelo was to art the Borgia

family were to corruption and debauchery

Pope Alexander had scandals from his

candles to his sandals this

dysfunctional family dragged the

reputation of the church down to the

depths

if only television had been there to

cover it they could have put the ratings

[Applause]

[Music]

ridges and hoes

when you’re cold Alex anything goes

ladies it’s not too late to come to his

orgy and participate and participate

Cesare why is this time for church mom

dad I’m 18 I want to do my own thing all

right I don’t want to go to jail isn’t

money won’t you have to go to church you

know why because you’re in car no man

dad this is so unfair

I’ve scheduled like two dates and the

hunting party

[Music]

he wants to marry me oh yeah

[Music]

anyway since Rodrigo Borgia bribed his

way into the papacy he has really

changed the Vatican oh yeah big changes

creating lots of new positions jobs

I meant jobs for God’s sake ok so now

here from our home office in Sardinia

here are the top 10 new jobs created by

Pope Alexander the top 10 new jobs

created by Pope Alexander here we go and

Everett an indulgence sales associate

number 9

mistress Wrangler number 8 food taster

to make sure there’s no poison in Pope’s

dinner number 7

food taster to make sure there is poison

in guest dinner

number 6 Lucretia’s husband note that

this is a temp job no kidding I think

that that’d be a day job a papal

double-income a bastard

there’s kyoka k yoga make achoo give you

what is it

there’s trouble in Rome k oka it’s the

Pope by dis family again the Pope wanted

to celebrate his to believe with a

public performance by 50 couples that’s

right

he and Cesare Lucretia were going to

judge this dance contest he said the men

would be palace servants but the women

had to be harlots and I’m confused as

harlots are not the best dancers well I

hate to say it but it’s no dance contest

and it’s let me know they’re at the post

and Oh couple number 17 score good

points for style and technical merit oh

I must put a stop to this yes eventually

yes eventually and the number one new

job greeted by Pope Alexander wedding

planner

no no divorce lawyer

in medieval times some popes were

married but by the time Alexander bought

the papacy that sort of thing just

wasn’t done so he had to content himself

with mistresses and his number-one gal

was vanozza the katana being the Pope he

married vanozza twice to two other men

but that didn’t stop vanozza from

burying alexander two of his most famous

bastards Cesare and Lucretia Borgia the

kids gave Pope Alexander two ways to

deal with rival clans the boy could

battle him or the girl could marry him

we met at one of his orgies years ago

and really hit it off six times in two

hours

Alexander isn’t allowed to marry so I

guess you could say I’m his first lady

well a hundred first lady actually but

his most important kids are mine look

you just can’t party all the time babe I

mean you know do you want to end up like

me I mean our poison people I’ve drunk

too much

I slept with loads of women I mean just

look at me that you’re the Pope the most

powerful guy in the world oh oh yes true

all right all right example but I’m not

just talking about the orgies I mean

sure we squabble from time

cesare year enforcer in both senses of

the word I am NOT a bastard

I got a papal dispensation Oh da you’ve

been crazy Cesare possessed by demons at

least I’m not a woman oh yeah at least I

don’t carry the tempting seed of evil in

me yeah squabbling is what families do

gold and luxuries but this isn’t a papal

palace is a people palace bye you know

people squabble they go behind the

scenes at the Vatican and show you Pope

Alexander’s family

it’s wild wild its wild all right talk

about sinking to a new low don’t like

reality television do you reality

television I’m fine with it’s Oh pal

exam de I don’t like it don’t like we’ll

reach this show is like so huge a total

hit you get to see the papacy of Pope

Alexander okay let me just make a little

prediction right here on the air all

right

I say it won’t last

in fact I predict that will get

cancelled by 1503

I’m gonna cancel their talk show show

nothing I’m talking about his papacy his

kid Cesare I mean he’s got that hungry

look and he’s got a big sword too you

know

Wow Pope Calixtus well well I always

used to squabble yeah well that didn’t

stop him from making me a cardinal it’s

like a family business man open you just

can’t go on like this choice right I

mean you know hunting animals is one

thing but you know killing people’s

another you just can’t shoot people in

the middle of st. Peter’s Square

hey Dad they were just prisoners they

were condemned to death anyway oh all

right you know it’s not as a womanizing

– all right you know like if you sleep

with their daughters and their wives the

nobles are gonna come and they’re gonna

kill ya man I know what I’m doing I’m

not an idiot oh you want to end up like

your brother I is that what you asked

chesare had an older brother Giovanni

and he was the prince of the family

oh no it’s like we never stopped hearing

about it well one night he just didn’t

come home he had been stabbed all over

and we had to drag his body out of the

river tiber

mom you know what the kids at school are

saying they’re like check it out check

out the Pope now he’s really a Fisher of

men

Lucrezia that isn’t bad Jason look I

just don’t want to lose another son all

right so you know the rules about women

yeah yeah I know dad sighs sex

that’s right sleep with prostitutes for

sex – I put them there for it isn’t it

dad yeah

coming up Lucretia is in the family way

and that gets in the way of the family

and participate and Renaissance Italy

was a complex network of city-states run

by rival families relations between

these powerful clans were cemented

through weddings each arranged marriage

was like a business merger and family

ties could make or break you for a

crooked Borgia Pope family ties were

meant to be broken

Lucretia is a woman hi lacy well Meghan

getting married for political alliances

[Music]

understand the ways of the world babe I

mean you know it’s not about love is it

no no it’s about firming up our

collections with the Milanese that’s

right besides you’re only 13 you’ve got

your whole life to find something to

love about this fellow yeah you know

people don’t live forever these days you

know if you catch my drift

are you in trouble with the church are

you about to undergo trial by fire water

or worse boiling water we understand the

system we know how justice works is

former friars we know that a small

amount of gold placed in the right hands

could tip the scales of justice in your

favor the difference between your guilt

or innocence may be just a few degrees

and by making a donation on your behalf

we’ll make sure that everything’s cool I

was forced to put my hand in boiling

water for three days later the priest

said he didn’t see any telltale blisters

thanks Keo man Roland

only Lucretia agreed to the wedding she

was actually a really good sport about

it dad I forgive you

oh yeah boy Giovanni I can get used to

his bald spot and his lazy eye oh I was

meaning to tell you about him I’m

getting your divorce what I just think

we can do better that’s all

we would your phone is worthless to us

now I don’t need him all you have to do

is touch the part about that he’s

impotent and all in all the whole thing

oh yeah you’ll have to go for a

virginity test the virginity test isn’t

that bad dear I passed several just just

pretend it’s one of your dad’s parties I

know I know you’re wondering why didn’t

anyone step in and get rid of this

corrupt family well first the Borgias

weren’t much more corrupt than the other

powerful families who ran Italy second

the Borgias were more powerful and

well-armed than the other families still

there were many devout Christians in the

Vatican who were appalled and Pope

Alexander had people to deal with any

objections they included in his army his

bodyguards his spies and his poison

tasters do you have sex I do drink and

if you’re going to kill someone for

God’s sake Cesare use poison

nowadays with so many family rivalries

and nobles squabbling for power it’s

wise to remember that good things take

time

that’s why I prefer to use slow-acting

poison poisons that we can debilitate

and eventually kill my victims over

months even years slow poisons take

longer and cost a little more but

they’re much less suspicious and as my

Sicilian friends say revenge is a dish

best served cold and garnished with I’ve

been wearing these rubies to ward off

disease but I’m still sick and stop

wearing gems and start eating them don’t

believe the old wives tales wearing gems

is not a cure doctors and apothecaries

agree that gemstones can only cure you

if you eat them that’s why we put only

the finest crushed gems into sandy gem

brown sapphires red rubies green

emeralds and new blue diamonds

sandy gem it really works but maybe I

should talk to an apothecary about this

you just did it’s quite opposite you

know you’ve been a huge help marrying

all these blokes you know now it’s some

other noble families you know the meta

cheese the Orsini’s the della Rovere

they’re the ones in this family’s way

pregnant

Giovanni sports off no it was Pedro the

messenger boy Oh Pedro oh oh thank god

as long as it’s not that sports are

following and I don’t want really

legitimate air is coming from that

little thank you very much but you still

have to go for that virginity test I’m

Alexander the six the Pope of darkness

all right I’m the little who brought law

and

go to the room I’ve got money I’ve got

armies I’m the messenger of god babe all

right so if I say you’re a virgin you’ll

be a virgin stay tuned for more

hilarious hijinks as the Borgias prove

absolute power corrupts absolutely

crazy for riches at home so how did

someone as corrupt as Rodrigo Borgia

become Pope

well like his uncle who had seized papal

power by bribery and brute force Rodrigo

was ambitious scheming and didn’t mind

greasing the wheels with bribes he

bought the papal election and then made

sure that his kids were given prime

positions in the church now the creature

I don’t want you to worry about the

paternity of this little bundle of joy

because I’ve probably declared that he

is the son of Cesare and some unknown

woman what no Lucretia don’t get all

wobbly I mean I don’t get off you’re

gonna stop worry about what other people

say I mean yo just look what they say

about me all right they bribed my way in

a little papacy and I’m a sex maniac and

I’ve got a house full of mistresses and

a bastard children that’s why I ignore

hey I want to drive it baby we could

just uh no the baby no baby Alex you are

now a marriage Oh actually I couldn’t

all a baby here it is sign and witness I

declare that this child is a child of

myself and an unknown woman that always

stop the gossip

[Applause]

yeah but if my dad’s the father and now

I’m the mother then that means my dad

and me Oh Cesare

where’s my my

[Music]

okay my dad is like forgiven for the

whole baby thing because he actually

found me a husband again and this one’s

actually kind of nice his name is

Alfonso he’s the son of the King of

Naples and he’s rich you know so are you

trying to understand you know he’s a

Borgia he’ll be just like any other

member of the family you’ll lock my

words I love you I love you too

Alexander eventually found a third hubby

for Lucretia

but the blasphemous Borgias behavior

couldn’t continue forever after 11 years

as Pope Alexander died in what some

suggest was a botched attempt to poison

a rival always write your name on your

cup at a party the family’s power

quickly died with him but the damage was

done when an outraged cleric named

Martin Luther nailed up his 95 theses

condemning papal corruption many

Catholics said yeah it was the birth of

Protestantism the Pope’s who followed

had to work hard to reform the church so

history wouldn’t repeat itself because

history bites so I got the job and I’m

thinking

I get to work in the Vatican kitchen and

I get to taste all the Pope’s food it’s

time for a job like this

so anyway I’m tasting food all day and

the chef brings fire like a peasant for

me to taste Oh

take the food give it to the Pope we’re

supposed to be tasting for poison I

could have died Jerry died

vodka an ice-cold popsicle

[Music]

Post date March 4, 2020