Ludwig Van Beethoven

Harpsichord Wizard

In a spoof of every damn award show going, all of the hottest music stars gather to honour the recently deceased Ludwig Van Beethoven. The cream of the Romantic Era present awards, perform their symphonies, and gab with Joan Rivers on the red carpet outside the theatre. In a parody of the Elton John/Eminem duet, the anti-Semitic maestro Richard Wagner sings with converted Jewish composer Felix Mendelssohn.

YouTube Transcript

Welcome to History Bites I’m Rick Green. These days it seems like every celebrity

is suffering for their work whether it’s

drugs divorce sex scandals or anorexia

people want artists to suffer preferably

in public now this is not a new thing it

was just as bad in the early 1800s back

then writers painters and musicians seem

to be tripping over each other to be

troubled tortured and turbulent everyone

was wearing their art on their sleeve in

1839 composer Franz Liszt and some

creative cohorts decided to honor a

pioneer of this Romantic movement mr.

moody himself Ludwig von Beethoven

imagined turned on tuned in passionate

artists celebrating their neuroses and

giving each other awards and you’ve got

the best seat in the house in front of

your television I’m here at the hottest

award show of the Romantic era the rage

of the Romantic era the series I’m just

dying to get the lowdown on who is with

whom who’s wearing whom and with what

illness I’m here with 16 brightest /

devo say George Sand George who are you

wearing tonight

oh no this is Fred Chopin

I’m not wearing him I’m carrying nice to

see the right is supporting the

musicians tonight am i right you say I

have tuberculosis but I feel fine live

from the Vienna Opera House in beautiful

downtown Vienna it’s the 1839 annual

Western European Terry Awards with your

host Franz Lidz

and the Vienna Chamber ensemble special

musical guests Paganini Clara Schumann

Felix Mendelssohn Hector Berlioz Brendan

Chopin Richard Wagner Jenny Lind and

Giuseppe Verdi and on Weber and writers

honor a Balzac and Elizabeth married

with a special painting performance by

eugène delacroix and now your host the

list to top everybody’s list

it’s just just allow me to compose

myself compose myself don’t make me beg

here people ladies and gentlemen welcome

welcome ladies and gentleman of course

to the ladies and gentlemen’s clothing

look at george sander looking around for

the old woman in drag no ladies know

what we were gathered here this evening

to celebrate and fun over artistic

genius and what better place than the

city that has showcased so many

wonderful stars and not to mention the

schnitzel ah schnitzel this evening

we’ve gathered an unprecedented number

of composers virtuosos and opera stars

together for a breathtaking spectacle of

light sound and emotional upheaval life

does not get better than this firstly

fellows you’re gonna go home and commit

suicide at the end of the evening so

let’s get on with the performance that’s

leading our first musical performance

ladies get your smelling salts out say a

Hail Mary for the violinist violinist

put your hands together for Nicki bag I

need

[Applause]

[Music]

mr. progeny is playing a tribute to

Ludwig von Beethoven to play the weakest

philosopher called living ye which

philosopher whose dictum was the

greatest good for the greatest number

recently had his mummified remains

installed at University College in

London I don’t know I blame God and the

powers Denton

Margaret Fuller who developed the cult

of transcendentalism Ralph Waldo Emerson

don’t you have any questions about women

and correct

søren kierkegaard who wrote women are

not meant to undergo hard labor but who

also seriously injured an old lady by

knocking her down a flight of stairs oh

that would be German philosopher Arthur

Schopenhauer correct authorship and ha

what is the name of the English

invention that is attached to letters as

proof of payment proof there is no

absolute proof of anything the stamp or

penny black

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

the Academy of painted pictures musical

arts and sciences is made up of members

of the various European Kingdom

patrons of the arts and musical

cognizant centi winners of the Western

European annual tier awards are decided

upon by a of your peer voting process

the results of which are reliably

tabulated by Price bodenhouse boards are

presented for outstanding individual or

collective achievement of the year and

up to 200 categories from late opera to

bronze castings of military heroes in

earlier times artists had just been

hired guns who were told what to do by

the church or wealthy patrons yeah give

me a Virgin Mary and a couple of Saints

and make sure it matches the curtains

creativity for cash commissions but by

1839 things had changed for artists

writers and composers Beethoven made a

decent living off his music sales and

nobody called his tune but him why don’t

they let chamber music out of the

chamber very very but right now we’re

gonna change the tonality of the evening

we’re going to remember a colleague who

can’t be with us tonight a man who

influenced all of us with his turbulent

symphonies his passionate concertos his

musical jokes as pedantic contends as I

speak of course of the maestro the man

that called run lvb the deaf Ludwig the

king of Sturm and Drang Ludwig

I remember one time I asked behold why

he never got married and he looked at me

and he said but because of course at

that time he was deaf then he took this

huge book and threw that me and said go

get some more spread so Ludwig van

Beethoven was born into a musical family

also his father never had his son’s

Talent he was able to instill in him the

great truths about individual rights and

freedoms when Ludwig was small his

father encouraged him to practice

constantly even through the wee hours of

the morning is the repetition of themes

and endings that I love you know

Beethoven’s like this tenacious

Wolverine won’t let go on these little

musical ideas keep coming back again

like he just couldn’t get him out of his

head you know it’s Baba who hasn’t

copied those endings you know

[Music]

huh oh that last one was my idea

all right he was the same at parties

though you know just when your party was

leaving you know BAM tell the story

about his intestinal distress and I mean

this is around the time he stopped

changing his clothes those over he was a

really hard time to get close to but

Talia great endings great endings

[Music]

yeah have you tried opium yes I got

laudanum it just makes me drowsy and

nauseous then I can’t get anything done

and I just feel worse this is a common

problem yes

laudanum contains opium but I suggest

you try pure opium Gretta because a lot

of them is just a tincture it’s full of

alcohol it’s no wonder you you can’t

stay awake it’s it’s the drug of choice

for the kind of emotional pain you have

that well it strikes when you least

expect it in fact I feel if you suffer

from any type of stress or melancholy

write a poem paint a landscape then talk

to your doctor about opiate it’s the

Chinese government announced that has

managed to seize and destroy 20000

chests of pure opium the huge haul of

opium belonged to British traders who

said the Chinese government had no right

to interfere with a legitimate business

she’s great because someone told me it

would cause vomiting and excessive

sweating and psychosis or addiction even

death yes well opium isn’t for everyone

coke Devine Yi who is it about Christian

writes about sympathy and ethics and yet

says his fiancee was far less important

but his work and women are a joke søren

kierkegaard all right Margaret who said

the universe is blind irrational and

evil

Kierkegaard’s fiance authorship on ha

Sauron who publishes his philosophical

tracks under pseudonyms Alan Smithee you

Beethoven just stormed out and the

leaves is node and it says there are

thousands of princes and there will be

thousands more but it’s only one

Beethoven ones that my friend that is an

artist

and the winner of the bait hoping

Lifetime Achievement Award goes to

Ludwig von Beethoven accepting the lid

would be is Hector B mr. Bailey Oates

[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

well I know that if what we were here

he’d want me to take himself and I’m

sure whatever award or monument you give

him he felt that uh he deserved it okay

[Applause]

anyway I just like to say that the guy

knew how to do when ending ahead

they told when we’re here in IET doc say

and things sprayed endings it’s all in

the ending go went ahead and come out a

clean around 1839 artists everywhere

we’re being shaken up by the Romantic

movement the term Romantic didn’t mean

art for lovers

it meant art that expressed emotions we

have enough paintings to illustrate the

stories of the Bible for all the

peasants who can’t read let’s look

inward celebrate the self feelings

nothing more than feelings the romantic

said forget restraint logic and formal

manners let’s be spontaneous intuitive

natural and some of them went as far as

obnoxious unreasonable and thoroughly

offensive i tota melissa has caught up

with Mendelssohn talk to him honey talk

can she talk she’s he’s a nice Jewish

boy talk to him about something

of course the hottest story at the T

Ruiz tonight is the performance by felix

mendelssohn bartholdy and controversial

composer Richard Wagner worried about

people downloading music from his new

Telegraph system tapster okay ladies and

gentleman speaking of controversy here

are two musicians from the opposite end

of the German musical spectrum please

give it up for Felix Mendelssohn and

Richard vive

[Applause]

I got out of bed at all the morning suit

clouds up my window and I can’t see the

hole and even if I could it it’d all be

great but back Ross up on the wall it

reminds me that the Jews are you are a

Jew I know your people are perverted

you’re ok could you convert it I hope

you ain’t reverted if so I’m

disconcerted remember I’m due panic

harmonic I’m quite refining your music

sounds demonic not supersonic like

shubin’s leader I’m a firm believer that

German should be

leave Nicole and I’m wondering why I

took this job at all

racist bitch like you driving up the

wall and even if your light weight light

motifs we’re all good

I’m not liking all your fighting crap

the 1839 annual Westerner of the

interior words are brought to you by big

arrow type turning your colorful world

around if the official bill between

Victoria and by the United Kingdom we’re

not just an island anymore even with all

the romantic new ideas sweeping through

the art world some things remain the

same women in the 1800s still had a

tough time cracking the old boys artist

club some roped feminist essays against

some just used male pen names and a few

dressed up like members and walked right

in he is a composer a brilliant pianist

and a very good friend of mine she is a

writer a cross dresser and more

importantly really goodness at together

they make a fine couple and very

entertaining dinner guests please

welcome Frederic Chopin and George for

the artist whether in spoken word or

music performance bridges the gap

between inspiration and understanding

gentle craftsman exposed themselves

daily to criticism and ridicule for

their art for myself I find solace

behind men’s clothing Fred how does

performance anxiety affect you

we’re here I’m here to present the award

for the most sensitive performance in

piano concerto or piano solo and the

nominees are misogynist Friedrich Hawk

Brenner male chauvinist john field

sexist pig Ferdinand Miller and the

gorgeous brilliant talented female clara

schumann and the winner is Clara

Schumann

Arthur Schopenhauer who believes in

finding truth by denial of the will

through chastity and poverty any

right-thinking person you hope Devine ye

which woman writer dresses as a man

Margaret Fuller George Sand Margaret

Fuller caught Devine ye is known for

what a fan mouth a stoic despair frame

by sparse classicism Arthur can you name

the philosopher who said actions possess

moral worth only when we do our duty for

its own sake I can’t yes I for Immanuel

Kant

well philosophers out of the possible

ten thousand marks you have banked a

story 350 whose corset is missing a few

eyelets whose epistemology is based on

an erroneous distinction between faith

and reason I share this with you thank

you to my father who gave me piano

lessons when I was five I know you’re

looking down at me right now and exactly

sitting up in the chandelier right now

thanks papa thanks for believing in me

to all the great composers who gave us

such wonderful piano works there’s so

many Bach Mozart more big beautiful

moments when history bites returns

by 1839 Western music had evolved

because of new philosophies new

political ideas and especially new

technology advances in the instruments

affected the type of music being made

for example because the piano now had a

greater range of volume composers could

really express a greater range of

emotion as well by following the

groundbreaking example of Beethoven

composers found they could achieve

financial independence they didn’t have

to answer to sponsors or patrons

financial independence and technological

breakthroughs added up to creative

freedom was another ceremony last

evening to honor scientific and

technological achievement in music here

are some of the highlights for single

frame casting of Steel to structure

strong enough to produce a piano instead

of a smaller harpsichord Alphaeus

Babcock for best tape checked action for

the upright piano Robert Warner for

inventing the double action hammer

Sebastian Earl hard and in the wind

section for standard tone hole placement

this is the second time you voted for

Hegel what well and because you can’t

have that kind of construct when

existence is incomplete and constantly

developing and because his systemization

of the whole of existence isn’t all that

logical because he’s been dead for nine

years and no longer exists okay yes that

too what Devine ye you voted for shippin

ha yes may I ask you why he didn’t

answer the last few questions and his

pessimism is really bringing me down 3

we have a treat we have the beautiful

and might I venture to add the

voluptuous hurt you also jenny lind

[Music]

in the first opera Giuseppe Verdi

introduces us to Alberto set in the 1228

the title character returns home from

exile and finds that his daughter

Lea Nora has been seduced by Ricardo and

the dishonored please welcome the most

amazing and the coolest guy I’ve ever

met

conducting the totally brilliant

nominated area Oberto giuseppe verdi

[Applause]

nobody votes me off twice an shopping ha

you were actually the strongest player

in that round does it bother you that

the weakest player has voted you off a

despite I achieve purity through

suffering

yes but it’s votes the count and with

two votes Schopenhauer you are the

weakest link

okay this is it the big moment I’m so

nervous

the nominees for most depressing and

disturbing artistic work are honoré de

Balzac for his story collection the

human comedy part one believe me there

are a lot less funny than they sound

eugene Delacroix’s disturbing painting

about a woman who was having her throat

cut by a bad man the death of

sardanapalus

samuel taylor coleridge for his long and

depressing poem Rime of the Ancient

Mariner

and Victor Hugo for Les Miserables and

the winner is

could use some opium about now I knew it

Victor Hugo for Franz Liszt’s great

piano tour was a big success he raised

enough money to fund a huge statue for

Beethoven

unfortunately artists couldn’t bask in

those bad times and depressing emotions

forever

eventually there was a backlash and

Victorian morale stepped in to toe the

line sex drugs and booze went

underground again

and artists had even more reason to feel

tormented and misunderstood still the

Romantic movement had changed forever

the way people looked at art and how art

looked at people because rules are meant

to be broken and history’s meant to be

bitten

here comes Brad Webb brought a brother

of the famous Bronte sisters Bronte can

we talk I think he saw us

brontosaurus brand well darling can we

talk you look fabulous Lee dissolute I

don’t know if it’s the gin or the

melancholy but I’d love it where are

your sisters

the lovely Charlotte Emily and Anne oh

no they came a separate character

you to faint tell me what’s it like

being the brother of such autistic

sisters yeah Jonah I’m an artist myself

I mean I paint like I got a painting

right here I gotta show you I’m sure you

[Music]

Post date February 11, 2020